Scattered thoughts….

My thoughts have been scattered today. I try so hard to help everyone else out never giving thought to me. Most times to have it thrown back in my face as I am not good enough. But still OVER AND OVER AND OVER again, I would give the shirt off of my back to help someone. The past few months have taken their toll on me and I am tired. I am tired of giving and giving and giving. I am honestly just exhausted. Everyone says take the road less traveled its the best one they say. But what they dont tell you is all the CRAP you have to move along the way. Old thoughts, old dreams, old hopes. As I am walking down this road less traveled I am learning things about me that I never knew existed. Some I dont care for and some I wish I had discovered many moons ago. The question was asked in my life reset group today what my mindset was Fixed or Growing…. Up until a bit ago, I would have said fixed. I always thought that the road I was on was the road that was meant for me. I was getting what I deserved for the things I had done in my past. But is that really what God wants for me? Am I to be punished for the rest of my life for my transgressions in the past. If I have repented of them and been forgiven then how can I hold myself in prison for a crime that has already been paid for. I am learning that I blame myself for things that are beyond my control and dont take responsibility for problems that I create. I hold myself accountable for the wrong things. I have to learn to take responsibility for my own actions and things I allow to happen to me. Create better situations and circumstances for myself and hold myself to my own standards that I have started making instead of believing other peoples thoughts and opinions of me. Again those thoughts and opinions are none of my business nor my concern. Nobody can make me feel inferior without my consent. I need to start standing strong in my faith and my struggles and remember I know the maker of the stars…. This life will not control me. I will succeed.

PS…day 2 of my GSD being home with me… 4 meals, nails clipped and lots of loving. His eyes dont look so sad…. He sat every time I went out with his food today. He is such a sweet baby… (he is 9 years old). I cant wait till he is stronger and we can play ball and tug again. He will never know how much I missed him… But I will make sure he knows how very much he is loved. Cold, wet kisses from my GSD and Me.

Slacker… yep that is me…

Where have I been you ask? I truly don’t know. I have been slacking. Once again I have allowed life to get in the way of taking care of me. I haven’t read my bible, done my devotion, listened to a single encouragement. I have allowed myself to get angry over things   I cant control, allowed myself to be disappointed in things I could have done differently; but didn’t. What the heck Donna… I started a life reset group today and the first challenge was a mission statement about yourself. I sat and sat and sat trying to figure out what I wanted to focus on. I kept going back to my word vision of WORTH.

So from this day forward I take full responsibility for my own self worth. I will not allow what others think of me to be my business. It doesn’t matter. They do not build my worth. Only I can do that.

Today I brought my Buddy home. He has surely been thru the mill these last few months. I have surely missed his company. He reminded me that I can be loved unconditionally. Because from the moment he was let in the gate, he was loving on me. It didn’t matter how long it had been since he had seen my face, or how long it had been since I had thrown his ball, or brushed him out or bathed him or clipped his nails. He still loved me. Without hesitation or reservation. I sat down in the rocker on the back porch and he sat in front of me and laid his head on my lap and just let me pet him. I instantly felt loved and appreciated. My mistakes no longer mattered. My broken heart healed just a little. My German Shepherd with sad eyes the last time I saw him; now seemed happy to be back with me. It is amazing how just a lick on the arm or a wet nose on my leg can make me feel so much better.  Yes even with him I have slacked in making sure he was taking care of… but that ended today. He is now sleeping peacefully with a full belly and a warm soft comfy cozy kennel. I will give back to him the love he has given to me over the years. Being “alone” suddenly doesn’t seem so “alone” anymore.

In bringing him home today, I realized just how much my decisions have affected not only myself but those that I love. 2 legged and 4 legged. I have to take care of myself and not allow myself to go down the crazy road that sends me spiraling downhill. Head up and shoulders back that is how we will face life from this day forward. My GSD and me.

Random thoughts and failures.

So today, I overslept. Started my day off on the wrong foot. Wanted to get so much stuff accomplished today and feel like nothing got accomplished. I feel like I failed at the day. But I didnt. Because today I got my sweet 82 year old lady out of the house and to the mall for the first time in months. We went and had lunch and went shopping. She got 2 new shirts, a belt, some shoes, some skin stuff and exercise that she normally wouldnt have gotten. She ate really good. and She did exceptionally well. SOooooooo no matter what I didnt get accomplished, Those are moments that I will never be able to get back.

Lord please help me to remember that moments are more important than material. Memories made are much better than material. Life doesnt laugh forever. Stuff will still be there tomorrow. Help me to remember that no matter my plans are that you have everything under control.

Plans.. What are those?

The Bible says in Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Those are My Father’s plans for me and the plans that I should be listening to. However, I am not very good at listening. I tend to make my own plans and then get sad or angry when they don’t go exactly as I think they should. I really do think that God is laughing at my plans. I also feel that the quote that says life is passing you by while you are busy making plans is completely true.  I am obsessed with lists, and menus and staying on track and being able to mark things off so that I can feel accomplished. If things get off track of my list then I get upset because it throws everything else off. Or if I don’t accomplish everything on my list, I don’t feel like I have accomplished anything. Why is that? I think it is because I was too busy making plans to let life happen.  But what would I do if I didnt have lists, I dont feel like I would ever get anything done. I would procrastinate until I was miserable. I think that if I keep in  mind that it is ok to have a “guideline” but it is not the end of the world if things dont exactly work out, that I will be ok. At the end of the day the journey is between me and God.

Lord, please help me to remember that your plans are much better than my dreams ever could be. I ask that you lead, guide and direct me in the way that YOU would have me go not my own. Amen.

Faith….

Faith is something I have struggled with throughout my life. The only thing I ever really dreamed of was being a mother. From the time I was 6 I wanted to be just like my mother.. I wanted to love children the way she loved me. I never gave it a second thought that it wouldn’t be an option. 11 miscarriages and 26 (other people’s) children thru my home I have come to a sad reality that it was just not meant for me. I have thoroughly had my share of blessings with those children and I have always felt like they were my own. But I have never been able to understand why I couldn’t have my own. Everyone kept telling me in God’s time not my own…but is seems God’s time never came for me. I have questioned my faith in God several times over because of all this. I have wondered why I would have such a desire to have children and not be able to carry my own, not be able to afford adoption. At some point I just have to come to terms with it and be ok…. and at one point I thought is had. We had 6 boys sometimes 7 in and out of our home. When I started feeling weird and sick all the time S made me take a test and it was poitive. the next day I took 2 more still positive..  went to confirm that following Monday and the nurse said yes you are pregnant but just barely, at the time I didn’t understand either your pregnant or you not. You can’t be just a little pregnant. But what I know now that I didn’t know then, I was already starting to miscarry. By Wednesday when the bleeding started I was devastated. I just didn’t understand how this could be happening again. I had been content, I had even been happy with all those boys. But when I lost that sweet baby I was uncontent all over again and suddenly nothing made sense. why give me the desire, why let me know, and then take it. How could such a merciful God allow me to hurt so much.. I just didn’t get it. Sometimes I still dont. But I am learning to let it go. I still find myself lost in the direction that God wants me to go. I have questioned every decision I have ever made. And then questioned it again. Absolutely nothing currently makes sense in my life. I feel lost and alone and trying to figure out my direction. Having faith that God will work it out and show me direction is harder than it sounds. especially when all I really want to do is curl up and cry.

My devotional today In #lookingup was about being in a pit and how God wanted to get you out and what did I feel was keeping me there. My lack of confidence in myself is what keeps me there.. My thought of getting what I deserve keeps me there. I am not worthy of  love and attention keeps me there.

Lord I come to you this afternoon and thank you for your wisdom and making me think about life. I thank you for the Christian book store #Dove for carrying the #BethMoore devotional and to her for writing it.  Father I know that you place people and things in our paths right when we need them there. I thank you for those people who encourage me and push me when I just want to let go. Lord I ask that you give me strength and courage and confidence to go in the direction that you would have me go. I also ask for peace with the right decisions. If I am not where I am meant to be in this life I ask that you would lead me to your cross. if there are people who are hurting me on my journey to you I ask that you would lead them away. I pray that you will bless my friends and anyone who is reading this blog with the desires of their heart. Bless those that are hurting in this world. One last thing before you go can you please help me restore my faith in you. No second guessing. Thank you for these and all your other blessings. Amen

Purpose…

Meaning, worth, intention. Find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it.

This morning I started a devotional journal by @BethMoore called #lookingup. The question I have been asking myself today is what is my purpose on this earth and have I given my heart and soul to it.  I have honestly been playing with those thoughts all day and haven’t felt led to share my thoughts until tonight. So here goes.

What is my purpose on earth? If you haven’t ever asked yourself this question, I am just going to tell you that it is terribly hard to analyze and answer. After much consideration and prayer I feel like my purpose is to uplift, encourage, build up and care for others. My purpose is to be a caregiver. It is what I have done most of my life. I wouldnt change a moment of it for the world. But when it came time to ask myself if I have given my heart and soul to it… The answer was NO. That was a harsh pill to swallow as I went thru my thoughts today. I have given of myself till I truly feel I have nothing left to give. Therein lies the problem. How can I give my heart and soul to something if it is empty. There have been moments where I have become angry and sad and overwhelmed and just shoved my feelings aside because someone else needed me. How can I care for others when I don’t know how to care for myself? Being a true caregiver means that you have to care for yourself so that you have care and love in your heart to give.

Lord, I come to you tonight in prayer and Thank you for your blessings. I Tha k you for your grace and mercy in and on my life. I thank you for opening my eyes to myself and the ways that I allow myself to be mistreated and used by not only others but by own self. Lord I humbly ask that you would guide my heart toward you. That you would helpe to care about myself and my own health so that I can continue to do what I feel is your purpose for me to be here and that is to care for others. Father i ask that you bless all who read my blog and if I can only help show one person to you that you know every single word from beginning to end is worth it. Thank you for opening my heart and giving me the courage to share my thoughts and feelings with the world, and for helping me to see my own self for who and what I am and what I am meant to be. Amen.

Confusion…

this word seems to fit my life the last 14 months.. The definition for this word according to google is lack of understanding, uncertainty. 14 months ago my life seemingly fell apart. Everything I thought it was all of a sudden was no more. I went into a very dark place unlike any I have ever been. The journey from there to today has been anything but easy. I have second guessed every decision that I have ever made. The things I thought I trusted my judgement in somehow I didn’t anymore. The last couple of weeks in December I pondered what this next year might hold. I was talking to a really good friend one night and he suggested that I start setting some goals, short term, long term, lifetime. I had tried to do this before and it didn’t work for me; but i thought about it and thought why not? I really don’t have anything else to lose at this point. So I sat down that night with him and got a piece of paper and stared at it for a while. I really Couldn’t think of anything. I felt confused. What did I really want for me. I have always thought about everyone else instead of me. Somewhere in the shuffle Donna got lost. She had been a daughter, a sister, a wife, a foster mom, a friend (even if not a good one, I had tried). Who is Donna Michelle and what does she like? I have thought about this a lot over the last few weeks. I am still not really sure that I know. I am still completely  in a state of confusion about where my life is headed. I am working on a bible study (Thank you Stacy Odom for recommending a Bible app with studies) to overcome worry. I feel like if I can get thru that part that maybe just maybe I will be able to deal with some areas of my life that I have allowed to crowd others out. First and foremost, I am terrified of being alone. I have a huge fear of drowning both mentally and physically. It all comes down to feeling unworthy and unwanted. The Bible says God’s grace is sufficient for thee…. Today I am going to do some praying, and reading and work on some unfinished projects and some broken promises.

Lord, I ask you right now to see me thru this confusion about who I am, what I want in life and how to get to where YOU want me to be. I ask you to guide me to YOUR WILL over my life and not my own. I pray that you will ease the confusion in my head and help me to not worry about the outcome of my decisions and give me peace that surpasses all understanding. I ask that you help me to remember the Donna that you created, the one with a renewed Faith and spirit in you. I want to hope for a future that pleases you.Please help me today to set at least short term goals. Lord at the end of my life I want to stand before you and hear you say Well done my good and faithful servant. Please help me to remember when there are only one set of footprints that is when you are carrying me and that I am never alone. Thank you Father for blessing me with Ms. Emma, she shows me every single day that I am still human and capable of loving and caring for someone. I have always said that you put people where they need to be right when they need to be there and there is no doubt that your hand was in our paths crossing for I needed her just as much as she needed me. I ask that you bless her today Father, help her to feel loved and appreciated and help her to see you in me. I thank you for these answers and all your many blessings that you have bestowed upon us. Amen