ENOUGH!

TODAY, I have had ENOUGH OF! It has been one of the worst days I have had in a long time. I couldn’t sleep last night, my brain absolutely would NOT shut down. Every time I close my eyes lately I seem to see all of my failures. Failures as a daughter to our Heavenly Father, and to my earthly parents, failures as a wife, a mother, a godmother, a sister and a friend. More than most of those I see where I have failed myself. I make these promises to myself that I will not allow myself to give up on me, then at the first sign of a hard time, I do exactly that. I run as far and as fast as I can from who I want to be, and the dreams I had. I give my dreams up to do what I feel like will make someone else happy or to make sure that someone else is taken care of. But then where does that leave me? At the end of the day the person or people that I went to help, get what they need and then disappear again until something else is needed. I DO NOT mean that for everyone in my life. Sometimes I just let the bad outweigh the good. I know that I shouldn’t and I wish it were easy to cut it off. But it isn’t. I never ever said that I was perfect. I am far from it. Somewhere in the last 17 months, I have lost myself. I have lost my sense of purpose, my sense of worth, my sense of belonging. I have forgotten the things that I love; like writing and reading and long walks and crafting for fun. I feel like I have lost my way. Today I just felt like no matter how much I tried or how much of myself I gave it would never be enough. I would never be enough. I know that not everybody sees me the same way that I see me and that is ok. I am ok with that. But I feel like I give with everything that I have to give. That I love with everything that i have to love.

I live with and care for an 82 year old lady full time and I absolutely love her but she completely controls my life. If she knows that I have something planned and it means that someone else is going to be here with her she all of a sudden is sick and needs me to stay home and if all attention is not focused on her she gets angry. I completely understand her need and want for love and attention. We all know that life doesn’t last forever and she has less left than what she has lived. She is terrified that I wont be here when she passes. (She is getting better every day. But the fear is still there.) I love her completely but there are times that i feel like I have nothing left to give and that no matter how much I give it will never be enough. I need to recharge, breathe fresh air and remember the beauty of life that God has created. She doesn’t understand, or maybe she does and right now it doeskin matter to her. God please help me to show her love and compassion that you would show. Help me to remember that you placed me in her path and that I am here for your purpose and not my own. To know that you always have me and that it is ok to fall sometimes. It is ok to step out in your creation and breathe fresh air and help her to feel peaceful with being with someone else a few hours a week so that I can take care of me to allow me to better take care of her.

Lord I ask that you give me peace that surpasses all understanding when it comes to my decisions about my marriage. I ask that if I am making the wrong decisions that you put roadblocks up that there is no way around. Lord, you and only you know my heart about this matter. Please help me to remember that I am enough. That you created me the way you felt was best suited for me to be me. That no matter what other people think or say about me that their opinions do not matter Lord your opinion and approval is the only one that I need. I ask that you help me to pray the right prayers and love with all that I have despite the hurt. I ask that no matter what happens that we should always remain steadfast in you and know that whether we are together or not that you had a purpose for our union. I pray that we grow from this situation.

When it comes to those children that hold my heart Lord, whether it be my children or my Godchild, my grandchildren, my nieces or my nephews, I ask that you bind my heart from giving up. That even though I never birthed a child, that they know I couldn’t love them any more than if I had. I ask that you open the hearts of my girls that they would find true and consistent love thru you that no matter what their pasts that you would show them they have the option to a better future with you. Lord please guide their footsteps. I know I haven’t been the greatest example to show them ways to live, but my heart still hurts when theirs hurt. I give and I give and I give until I feel like I physically, mentally, and emotionally have nothing left to give. Lord, please remind me that I give with a joyful heart expecting nothing in return. Not even a thank you. For you have given much more than I ever possibly could. I ask that you just plant a seed in each of their hearts that they would one day realize that I only wanted what was best for them. That I loved them with all that I had and wanted to save them from every hurt imaginable. Please help me to remember that these aren’t my battles to fight Lord they are yours. I am not their protector, I cant shield their heart from hurt. Those are the things that they have to trust you for. Please help me to be a  light to guide them to your love, that they see changes and differences in me that reflect only your love and understanding.

I am the baby of 7. There are only 4 of us left. 3 girls, 1 boy. When my youngest sister died a few years ago, I overheard one of my older sisters say that there were only 3 of them left. She wasn’t counting me because I had been adopted. As soon as she saw that I had heard and she saw the look on my face she started back tracking. But I don’t think she really meant it. I think she meant what she said the first time. I still hear it in my head. I hardly ever talk to my brother…. I know I should make as much effort as I want him to but it just hurts that I feel like he has thrown me away. I hear all the time that he called the older sister, that he called my older brother’s widow and even that he called my best friend. Where did I go wrong in this equation? How am I not worth enough for even a phone call. I get one once a year. On my birthday which I am sure his wife reminds him of. Last year I did get one. Thanksgiving, NO CALL. On Christmas, I called him. Talked to him for a few minutes and told him that I missed him and I loved him, he said the same. But it hurts my heart because I truly don’t think he meant it. I think they are just words to him. He came this way a while back…. Was even within an hours drive of me….Called my older sister to come see him. Never once called me. This is the man that I have loved my entire life. When I was younger, I had a really hard time excepting his new wife and kids because I felt like he had just thrown me away. Just like my birth mom. He had always spent time with me and treated me like I was his favorite person in the world…. but all of sudden he had this new family and I didn’t understand. Or maybe I just didn’t want to but in my eyes they had taken my world away. I know now that is not what happened that life changes and things happen and you just go with it. But I have never felt like he cared after that. From graduation to my wedding. Everything I asked of him, he had other plans. I know he has a life. I get that. I really do and sometimes I chalk it up as being selfish. Most of the time actually. But he was my hero…. Lord please help me to mend my relationships with my siblings. Help me to forgive and get past the hurt and start fresh. I ask that you guard my heart and if building a relationship with me is not what they want that you would ease the pain for me. Please put the note in their hearts that no matter whether our parents were the same or not that I have always loved them like siblings. I never looked at them any differently. I ask that you allow them to accept me for who I am and that I can accept them and the journeys that they have chosen. I just want to feel like I am part of a family. I feel like I don’t really belong anywhere.

Over the past few years I have lost friends and found new ones, pushed people away because I felt like they didn’t understand the circumstance I had allowed for my life. Some of those very friendships have hurt my soul. I have not listened as much as I have offered advice. Advice based on what…. who the heck am I to be judgmental and give advice on subjects that I am by far an expert in. Father I ask that you would help me mend these fences. I ask that you would heal our hearts and ease the pain there so that we could regain trust and rebuild friendships on the foundation of you Lord. I ask that you protect my friends and family with a hedge that only you can build. Our world is falling apart and only you can save us. When the final call is answered, I want to look around and see these people that I love entering the pearly gates. I want to spend an eternity believing that our paths were guided by your Word. Lord I ask that you let your light shine bright thru me that they might see you and know that you are the way the truth and the life.

I know this post has gotten pretty lengthy but I just have one last request…. I come to your Father completely humbled by your Grace. For I am not worthy of the love and grace that you so freely give to me but you give it anyway. Thank you Father God for your forgiveness and mercy. For your understanding and peace that I surely don’t deserve. Lord please help me. To love as you would love, to give as you would give with a faithful heart and looking only to you and knowing that my offerings may not always be returned as I have given them but that is ok.

Let me be BOLD ENOUGH to use the voice that you have given me to sing your praises,

Let me be BRAVE ENOUGH to listen to the heart that you have placed inside my chest.

Let me be STRONG ENOUGH to live the life that you have planned for me. Your plans are always better than my dreams.

Please help me to remember that loving myself thru the process of owning my own story is the bravest thing I will ever do and please remind me daily as I wake up that YOU, Lord are on my side and that is  truly ENOUGH!

NO WEAPONS FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER!

 

 

Unconditional Love part 2

So I know that I should have done this on Thursday but life and sickness got in the way…That sweet boy of mine is just fine… well mostly. He is getting older. I knew that as he got older he would slow down that time and circumstance would take its toll. I just didn’t realize how much it would hurt to see it happening. I look at him each and every day. Then one day I wake up and realize that he is 11 years old and nothing last forever. Anyway…. on with the update. Thursday morning I got up and called our vet, oh I am sorry but we cant get him in until Monday…. WHAT!!! are you kidding me… I cant wait until Monday to know what is wrong with my baby. So I called another and then another and then another (apparently EVERY VET in our area does surgery on Thursday mornings.) Finally our heroes were located at #SOUTH PARK VETERINARY CLINIC. I think the girl could hear the panic in my voice at this point. I was seriously stressing. So she tells me that her vets are in surgery as well but 1 is finishing up on a case and that if I can come RIGHT NOW they would squeeze me in. So I got momma taken care of and loaded that big ol boy in the truck. I don’t say big ol boy lightly… he now weighs 92.4 lbs. But that is 92.4 lbs of sheer love and understanding, slobbery kisses and wet noses.  Doc comes in and was super duper sweet, didn’t hurt that he was kinda cute too. (but that is beside the point) ANYWAY…. he checks out and makes me a little more nervous because he finds more lumps that what I did, but i think he notices and so he tells me that he thinks they are probably just fatty tumors that a lot of older dogs get but we will do the tests to be sure if you want us to he says… does he not know that of course I want him to that this is my last link to sanity. He is my baby, my therapist, my walking partner, my all around best 4 legged friend (I have to say 4 legged because my girls my get a little upset if they knew I talked to the dog more than them, but come on he doesn’t talk back and he is nonjudgmental, and doesn’t make me see things how they should be. He kisses my tears away and still loves me.) #butterfly   So doc begins telling me his recommendations about what he thinks we should check and I am all like, I want you to do whatever you think is best. He says they will aspirate the lumps and send them to the lab for pathology, and do a fecal float to check for parasites and some blood work to make sure that all of that is in line and nothing looks out of order. I asked if I could be with him when he did the aspirations because I couldn’t bear the thought of him having to go thru it alone. He has always been by my side whenever I needed him, how could I not be there for him. But Doc said he would really rather not. He wanted to have his crew help him because they knew how to handle him, and maybe he wouldn’t be so hyper if I wasn’t in there. So I agreed. He went to get everything ready so that they could do all of the tests at once and in a few minutes came back in the room with the stuff to draw blood and was like well maybe you could help me with this part. The other staff were busy. So I did. much to Doc’s chagrin my sweet boy got a little snappy when Doc was checking the knots. So when he came in to do blood work, he brought a little friend. A BRIGHT BLUE MUZZLE. My boy didn’t like that at all and was still super hyper and excited about making a new friend. So he didn’t want to settle down. But in the end, Doc and me=1 Buddy=0, Round 2 came with fecal float. EWE! But alas, Doc and me =2/Buddy=0. Round 3 came with aspirations of knots… Rounds one and 2 both came with the little blue friend…. but surprisingly 3 did not. I talked to him and held treats in my hand and Doc took the aspirations. That is what I thought would cause him the most pain but he barely moved around at all while he was getting those.  So then the waiting began.  Those were the longest few minutes. But those few minutes held multiple prayers that were answered and a huge weight lifted. My boy has the best blood work EVER. He is heart worm negative. He is parasite negative Thank you #Trifexis. Now on to the not so great part. We are pretty sure that he has some hip discomfort, most likely displaysia but at his age it is risky to fix it and a possibility that he wouldn’t survive the surgery. IN order to check him for it he would most likely have to be sedated for xrays again at his age very risky. So he put him on some anti inflammatory medicine and we called that a day. If that seems to help we will just keep him on the meds for his bad days. Crappy part #2. Yes he does have a cloud over his eyes, but it is not cataracts (Thank you Lord). It is like a film over his eyes, he can still see thru it, it is just much harder for him in the dark. My mind says that it is like he is looking thru sunglasses at night and well yeah that sucks. But he still has a quality of life. He also has a bad yeast infection in his ears. So Doc did a good flush on them ( my boy wasn’t happy about his ears being touched…. actually now that I am thinking about it.. that might have been where the snappy come in was the very first time he tried to look in his ears, not when he was checking the knots. I don’t honestly remember which it was I just remember him being snappy and Doc bringing in his friend the muzzle.)#butterfly Anyway then Doc put in a longer lasting wax stuff for his ears and now we wait and hope that helps. Buddy waited mostly patiently for doc to come in and out and pay him more attention as you will see in the pic I am going to add at the bottom. I was very impressed with #SOUTH PARK VETERINARY CLINIC. From the girls at the front to the Doc. It was an amazing experience. I am so very thankful that they are the ones that helped my sweet boy and eased my nerves that something was seriously wrong with him other than getting older. But he is just getting older, I am getting older too.  I am glad I am growing older with you sweet boy. Life is so much better with a GSD.

Unconditional LOVE!

Tonight as I write this blog, it is with a very worried heart.You see I have this friend, his name is Buddy and he and I have a very special relationship. He came into my life at 3 years old and just kinda took hold of my heart. He has pretty much had a tight grip on it ever since. I haven’t always done my best by him, or given him the life that he so deserved. There are no excuses for my behaviour. He truly deserved my attention, but I let life get in the middle. He has never faulted me for that. With the sound of my voice his ears perk up, he used to follow me all over the house. If I ever needed to talk out loud, he listened without judging… I think the best therapists have four legs, wet noses and sloppy kisses. From the very first time I laid eyes on him I knew I would love him forever. There was just something about this big ol boy that I knew he would love me unconditionally and he has. He has licked the tears off my face more times than I care to remember crying them. He has drug me down the road, i wasn’t sure who was walking who in the beginning. He was a 110 lb bundle of life and love and energy. He loved to play Frisbee or fetch. He loved to be a lap dog….yes at a 110 lbs he thought he was the size of chihuahua. But he has the biggest heart and the sweetest eyes. He always seemed to know when I needed him. He loved laying at my feet, or on the couch beside me. Whenever I needed a hand, I always found a paw. I am hoping that doesn’t change any time soon. But tonight as I write this blog my big ol boy is laying at the foot of my bed, moaning in what sounds like a little pain. I took him to the groomer today and when we got home I was playing on the floor with him and he LOVES having his belly rubbed. Tonight that wasn’t the case. When I got close to his belly he would harumph and turn over. I got him back on his side and was trying to figure out why when I came across 3 hard knots on his belly. 2 of them were small, but 1 of them was about half the size of a golf ball and i could get my fingers all the way around it and I think kinda feel where it was attached. He seemed to hurt when I touched them. I knew the last couple of days he had been kinda laying around but I figured it was because his allergy meds were making him tired. I remembered when he was getting in the truck to go to the groomer he seemed to have  a little trouble pulling up his hind end and when the groomer went to put him on the table to clip his nails he didn’t jump up like normal she had to pick him up. I thought he just didn’t want to get up there. Now looking back and putting it all together, I have also noticed tonight that it seems harder for him to lay down and to get back up as well as to navigate the steps off the porch in the back yard. How do you miss these things if they have been getting worse over a period of time. I love on this boy every single day and I didn’t see him getting older. I mean I know we have him on some stuff for his joints because the doc thinks he probably has arthritis. But when did it get so bad….. I look at his eyes every single day, but tonight I realize they are a little cloudy… I kiss his nose every day… How did I miss all of this. Tonight for the first time ever when I got out of my chair and walked around the house he didn’t move his body, he picked his head up and followed me but not his body. I have gotten out of bed twice and walked out of the room and he just picked his head up but never followed. It breaks my heart.  Tomorrow I call the vet first thing and try to figure out what is going on with my boy.  Tonight I pray that it is nothing major and I get to keep loving on him for a whole lot longer.

Reality Check

So tonight I, well most of the day I have found myself being reality checked. From setting my alarm and telling myself that by putting an alarm clock across the room and having get up and go around my bed to turn it off, that I would wake up and stay up…. Reality Check… Got up twice and turned that sucker off, laid back down both times and both times went back to sleep. SO tomorrow we will try that one again. I think it might help if I could sleep. Hopefully tonight that will come because tomorrow is another fun filled day of adventure.

So after that, I take momma to the doctor, let her off at the front door and go to park the truck. We see a spot about to vacate and low and behold as I get ready to pull into the spot this older gentleman is waiting for it. I let him have it. I will have to get momma from the door anyway and who am I kidding I totally need all the exercise I can get. Reality check #2, there is always going to be someone that needs something more than you, is it really that important that you get it. You are blessed to have what you do and the health that you do. I drive around the parking lot a couple of times because if you have ever been to the doctor at Southeast Alabama Medical Center at 10 am, you know there is NO PARKING! I get behind this other older gentleman that decides to make his own parking spot between 2 handicap places. He backs up and looks at me like I am crazy because i am not backing up to aid him in his incorrectness, but newsflash dude, there is a lady so close to me that if I back up ONE inch I am going to hit her…. so you better brush up on your 3 point turns and make it work or go find a real parking spot. FYI, dude knows his 3pt turns… I finally find a parking spot that someone was backing out of so I wait, because I have already been around the place a few times by then. They back out, I pull in and the lady on the other side shot me the biggest look of disgust ever, you would think I had stole her kid or something. Look lady, you can look at me however you want. I was here first and I have already given up one spot today, NOT happening again, I am already in trouble for taking to long. Reality Check #2.1 You cant please everybody no matter how hard you try.

We go into the doctor, sit there for about an hour, because you know there is only one nurse practitioner there today and she is the absolute best one in the practice and everyone wants to see her. Finally get in the back and wait about another 30 minutes to which momma starts getting antsy and wants me to see how much longer it is going to be. I walk out of the room, get to the end of the hall and hear mommas chipper voice say hello.  Reality Check #3. Right when you give up, everything falls into place.

We come home, get settled, I exercise, and then hang out on the computer trying to accomplish some designs for an adventure, work on a resume for a friend, watch a little tv while reading up on a couple of design features and finally decided to come lay down and do my devotional. (Beth Moore’s Looking up) and get reality Check #4  We all get thrown into  the pits of life, whether it be intentional by someone we love, or accidental by ourselves. No matter how we get there, we have to remember the one thing that I always seem to forget. At every single “pit” I have ever been in, it was God that picked me up and pulled me out. No matter how low it seemed or how long the night felt. I have prayed and asked God to guide my footsteps thru this night in my life. But I must be willing to move my feet.

I hate the darkness, I hate when I see a light in the darkness. I never trust my faith for it to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I always assume that it is the train about to mull me over.  This particular night in my life has seemed to last forever. I have let it completely destroy my joy.

According to google, Joy is a noun and the definition of Joy is a feeling of great pleasure and happiness. Sorrow is also a noun with the definition of it being a feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others.

This night (sorrow) has lasted so long that I have felt like it is drowning me, pulling me so far under the waves that I will never be able to breathe again. God said in Psalm 30:5 that weeping may tarry for the night but that joy comes in the morning.

Where is my morning Lord, am I bring this on myself? Am I supposed to get more lessons from this darkness? I want to rejoice with the sunrise, and the birds singing. I am tired of pulling the covers over my head and feeling like there is no hope left. Everyone tells me to just let things go, and I really try. I promise I do. But the minute I go to walk away from them it is like they attach their selves to me again. I know there is lessons in this darkness, I have learned many, but I feel like I am missing something. Like I am supposed to learn a huge lesson that I havent quite figured out. Lord please help me to figure out this lesson. Help me to walk in your light. To radiate your love and sunshine to others. I ask that you help me discover my joy in this journey. Help me to see the little realities that are this life and to be able to be thankful for your small reminders. Guide my footsteps Lord and help me to be your willing vessel by moving my feet where YOU an YOU alone would have them go. Amen.

 

 

Every ending is a new beginning.

I have come to learn that every single ending is the start of a new beginning. Whether it is the start of a new job, a new relationship, or just a new life. The past 17 months have been an ending. One that I have tried several times to keep from stopping. I have tried to fix it, I have tried to end it quicker, I have tried pushing it away, I have tried protecting my heart from it. I keep telling myself that I am moving on and that God has new plans. There are moments that I am ok and moments that I feel like I am drowning. I know that God’s plans are so much bigger and better than my dreams ever could be. I finally filled out the papers for divorce on Saturday. I finally feel like I am strong enough to start to walk away. I have given until I feel like I have nothing more to give. I feel like I need to replenish in me all that I have given away. I need to remember who I am and where I wanted my life to go. I need to find a purpose and stick with it, to build on and make a way with the Lord where there seems to be no way in my life. I am blessed and I need to remember that. God is sent me on a mission and I need to figure out what it is. I need to remember who my friends are. I need to remember where life has brought me from. The beauty is truly in the journey. Now I just have to find the joy in my journey and hold on tight to it as I navigate this thing called life. I know that every time I think there is nothing left for me and i should give up, God opens this door and shines a little bit of light for me to follow. I am the one that keeps giving up on God, He never gives up on me. While I was yet a sinner, Christ died for me. For me… can you believe that? FOR ME!! He also died for you, who are we to throw him away and to walk away from him. Only He can heal this broken heart and make it clean. Only he can wipe away these tears for good. over the next few weeks, I am going to start eliminating negativity from my life. I think I will replace it with positive. Lord I am asking you  to heal this broken heart and allow it to feel again. I ask you to let me hear his voice and not cry, to see his face and not fall apart. I truly ask you to allow me to close my eyes and not see him with her. to let me breathe in your peace, your tranquility. Lord, please allow me to find my serenity in you! Amen.