TODAY, I have had ENOUGH OF! It has been one of the worst days I have had in a long time. I couldn’t sleep last night, my brain absolutely would NOT shut down. Every time I close my eyes lately I seem to see all of my failures. Failures as a daughter to our Heavenly Father, and to my earthly parents, failures as a wife, a mother, a godmother, a sister and a friend. More than most of those I see where I have failed myself. I make these promises to myself that I will not allow myself to give up on me, then at the first sign of a hard time, I do exactly that. I run as far and as fast as I can from who I want to be, and the dreams I had. I give my dreams up to do what I feel like will make someone else happy or to make sure that someone else is taken care of. But then where does that leave me? At the end of the day the person or people that I went to help, get what they need and then disappear again until something else is needed. I DO NOT mean that for everyone in my life. Sometimes I just let the bad outweigh the good. I know that I shouldn’t and I wish it were easy to cut it off. But it isn’t. I never ever said that I was perfect. I am far from it. Somewhere in the last 17 months, I have lost myself. I have lost my sense of purpose, my sense of worth, my sense of belonging. I have forgotten the things that I love; like writing and reading and long walks and crafting for fun. I feel like I have lost my way. Today I just felt like no matter how much I tried or how much of myself I gave it would never be enough. I would never be enough. I know that not everybody sees me the same way that I see me and that is ok. I am ok with that. But I feel like I give with everything that I have to give. That I love with everything that i have to love.
I live with and care for an 82 year old lady full time and I absolutely love her but she completely controls my life. If she knows that I have something planned and it means that someone else is going to be here with her she all of a sudden is sick and needs me to stay home and if all attention is not focused on her she gets angry. I completely understand her need and want for love and attention. We all know that life doesn’t last forever and she has less left than what she has lived. She is terrified that I wont be here when she passes. (She is getting better every day. But the fear is still there.) I love her completely but there are times that i feel like I have nothing left to give and that no matter how much I give it will never be enough. I need to recharge, breathe fresh air and remember the beauty of life that God has created. She doesn’t understand, or maybe she does and right now it doeskin matter to her. God please help me to show her love and compassion that you would show. Help me to remember that you placed me in her path and that I am here for your purpose and not my own. To know that you always have me and that it is ok to fall sometimes. It is ok to step out in your creation and breathe fresh air and help her to feel peaceful with being with someone else a few hours a week so that I can take care of me to allow me to better take care of her.
Lord I ask that you give me peace that surpasses all understanding when it comes to my decisions about my marriage. I ask that if I am making the wrong decisions that you put roadblocks up that there is no way around. Lord, you and only you know my heart about this matter. Please help me to remember that I am enough. That you created me the way you felt was best suited for me to be me. That no matter what other people think or say about me that their opinions do not matter Lord your opinion and approval is the only one that I need. I ask that you help me to pray the right prayers and love with all that I have despite the hurt. I ask that no matter what happens that we should always remain steadfast in you and know that whether we are together or not that you had a purpose for our union. I pray that we grow from this situation.
When it comes to those children that hold my heart Lord, whether it be my children or my Godchild, my grandchildren, my nieces or my nephews, I ask that you bind my heart from giving up. That even though I never birthed a child, that they know I couldn’t love them any more than if I had. I ask that you open the hearts of my girls that they would find true and consistent love thru you that no matter what their pasts that you would show them they have the option to a better future with you. Lord please guide their footsteps. I know I haven’t been the greatest example to show them ways to live, but my heart still hurts when theirs hurt. I give and I give and I give until I feel like I physically, mentally, and emotionally have nothing left to give. Lord, please remind me that I give with a joyful heart expecting nothing in return. Not even a thank you. For you have given much more than I ever possibly could. I ask that you just plant a seed in each of their hearts that they would one day realize that I only wanted what was best for them. That I loved them with all that I had and wanted to save them from every hurt imaginable. Please help me to remember that these aren’t my battles to fight Lord they are yours. I am not their protector, I cant shield their heart from hurt. Those are the things that they have to trust you for. Please help me to be a light to guide them to your love, that they see changes and differences in me that reflect only your love and understanding.
I am the baby of 7. There are only 4 of us left. 3 girls, 1 boy. When my youngest sister died a few years ago, I overheard one of my older sisters say that there were only 3 of them left. She wasn’t counting me because I had been adopted. As soon as she saw that I had heard and she saw the look on my face she started back tracking. But I don’t think she really meant it. I think she meant what she said the first time. I still hear it in my head. I hardly ever talk to my brother…. I know I should make as much effort as I want him to but it just hurts that I feel like he has thrown me away. I hear all the time that he called the older sister, that he called my older brother’s widow and even that he called my best friend. Where did I go wrong in this equation? How am I not worth enough for even a phone call. I get one once a year. On my birthday which I am sure his wife reminds him of. Last year I did get one. Thanksgiving, NO CALL. On Christmas, I called him. Talked to him for a few minutes and told him that I missed him and I loved him, he said the same. But it hurts my heart because I truly don’t think he meant it. I think they are just words to him. He came this way a while back…. Was even within an hours drive of me….Called my older sister to come see him. Never once called me. This is the man that I have loved my entire life. When I was younger, I had a really hard time excepting his new wife and kids because I felt like he had just thrown me away. Just like my birth mom. He had always spent time with me and treated me like I was his favorite person in the world…. but all of sudden he had this new family and I didn’t understand. Or maybe I just didn’t want to but in my eyes they had taken my world away. I know now that is not what happened that life changes and things happen and you just go with it. But I have never felt like he cared after that. From graduation to my wedding. Everything I asked of him, he had other plans. I know he has a life. I get that. I really do and sometimes I chalk it up as being selfish. Most of the time actually. But he was my hero…. Lord please help me to mend my relationships with my siblings. Help me to forgive and get past the hurt and start fresh. I ask that you guard my heart and if building a relationship with me is not what they want that you would ease the pain for me. Please put the note in their hearts that no matter whether our parents were the same or not that I have always loved them like siblings. I never looked at them any differently. I ask that you allow them to accept me for who I am and that I can accept them and the journeys that they have chosen. I just want to feel like I am part of a family. I feel like I don’t really belong anywhere.
Over the past few years I have lost friends and found new ones, pushed people away because I felt like they didn’t understand the circumstance I had allowed for my life. Some of those very friendships have hurt my soul. I have not listened as much as I have offered advice. Advice based on what…. who the heck am I to be judgmental and give advice on subjects that I am by far an expert in. Father I ask that you would help me mend these fences. I ask that you would heal our hearts and ease the pain there so that we could regain trust and rebuild friendships on the foundation of you Lord. I ask that you protect my friends and family with a hedge that only you can build. Our world is falling apart and only you can save us. When the final call is answered, I want to look around and see these people that I love entering the pearly gates. I want to spend an eternity believing that our paths were guided by your Word. Lord I ask that you let your light shine bright thru me that they might see you and know that you are the way the truth and the life.
I know this post has gotten pretty lengthy but I just have one last request…. I come to your Father completely humbled by your Grace. For I am not worthy of the love and grace that you so freely give to me but you give it anyway. Thank you Father God for your forgiveness and mercy. For your understanding and peace that I surely don’t deserve. Lord please help me. To love as you would love, to give as you would give with a faithful heart and looking only to you and knowing that my offerings may not always be returned as I have given them but that is ok.
Let me be BOLD ENOUGH to use the voice that you have given me to sing your praises,
Let me be BRAVE ENOUGH to listen to the heart that you have placed inside my chest.
Let me be STRONG ENOUGH to live the life that you have planned for me. Your plans are always better than my dreams.
Please help me to remember that loving myself thru the process of owning my own story is the bravest thing I will ever do and please remind me daily as I wake up that YOU, Lord are on my side and that is truly ENOUGH!
NO WEAPONS FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER!