Feelings

Ok.. so I have been to church more times in the past seven days than I have in the past seven  months put together. It just feels like where I need to be. I have questioned God so many times in the course of my life. Sometimes for answers I am positive I am never meant to know. But being in his presence and the presence of other people who are struggling with life but Fully trusting God is an amazing feeling.

On Wednesday nights I am doing this small group about divorce and I have a study workbook to help me work thru the care program. In this workbook I have things to read everyday and things to think about. Questions to answer that require deep searching within myself. This is HARD ya’ll. Today for the first time in a week I wanted to shut down. Remember in a previous blog I told you that when the going gets tough I shut down and hide. Well the questions were tough today!

The meaning behind today was to Be honest with God and with yourself. Really…. it is one thing to be honest with people about things that don’t really matter in the Grand scheme of things. But to really have to sit down and Be honest with yourself in order to be honest with God…. well that just sucked! It is so much easier to bury feelings inside of me than to face them head on and get thru to the other side of them.

feelings

The project for today was to tell God, HONESTLY how I felt. I had to really think about that. I wanted it to flow easy and say that I was happy, that I was content with where I am… be all peaches and cream. But guess what? IT ISN’T!  When I started really thinking about MY feelings… WOW!

I feel like I am opening up this can of worms that is going to destroy me before God can heal me and I am scared! I am angry. I am hurt. I am lonely. I am frustrated. I don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel worthy.  I don’t feel safe.( I feel physically safe, just not emotionally) I feel vulnerable.

I am scared that now that I have started this journey that everything is going to fall apart.

I am angry that this has become my life. This WAS NOT MY PLAN!  I was not supposed to have been married and divorce twice. I was not supposed to have a criminal record. I was not supposed to have been on drugs at any point in my life. I was not supposed to have been in more than one relationship. It just WAS NOT MY PLAN! My plan was to marry my high school sweetheart, have a house full of babies and live happily ever after. Isn’t that what every one dreams.

I am hurt that people use me for a door mat… even more hurt that I allowed this to happen. Even encouraged it sometimes. because if they were using me they were at least a part of my life and I didn’t feel so alone.

I am lonely. I have never been okay with being alone. I have never liked it. I don’t even like going to the grocery store alone. Heck to be purposefully honest I don’t even like opening the door after dark. Hello I am 40 years old… Why the heck and I afraid of the the dark. I don’t like being alone. Sometimes I wonder if that is because I don’t like the person that I have become.

I am frustrated. I am frustrated because I cant seem to get it right. I cant seem to fix me. I cant seem to see things thru. I start a project and get halfway thru it and give up because it gets hard. Why cant I just work thru it? Why do I always give up? What is wrong with me?

I don’t feel good enough. This is a problem I have struggled with since I was 8. Long story but God knows the story and He is working on it with me. So is my counselor.

I don’t feel worthy. I don’t understand how a God that I have walked away from time after time after time could still see me worthy and stand right where I left him with open arms waiting for me to come back. Who does that? Why doesn’t he just give up on me?

I don’t feel safe. I am safe physically. But my heart used to feel like it had a home. It doesn’t anymore. I used to feel safe wrapped up in someones arms and calm and be able to sleep at night. I don’t feel any of that anymore. I feel completely alone sometimes. I don’t like the feeling. I don’t like the feeling of not knowing what the future is going to hold. Life is dynamic, I am told that all the time, and that statement scares the crap out of me. Everything is always changing. If I were to lose my job tomorrow…. I wouldn’t have a home, I already don’t have a vehicle.  I feel like slowly everything is starting to fall apart.

I feel vulnerable. Having to face all these feelings and not clam them up and shut down is hard. Today i just wanted to lay in bed and give up. The more I thought about all of this the more scared I got.

Yes I have put this out there for the world to see. You don’t have to like it. You don’t even have to read it. But I need to write it. You don’t have to understand it. Sometimes life is about risking everything on a dream that no one can see but you and God.

I have always tried to be like someone else. Because their life was more exciting than mine seem to be. Or I tried to be like someone I thought someone else wanted me to be. If I just did this they would love me, they would want to be around me. IF, IF, If, if, but I am learning that those IFs are not me. I need to learn to be ME. I am who God made me. I have to face these fears. Melody Beattie said it best when she said,  “What others think and say about me are their issues and not mine. This is Life, Not a Funeral service. “

Starting over

I don’t even know where to start this blog. I am not sure what I want to write about or if I even want to write about anything. I am trying so hard to keep moving forward. What does that even mean, moving forward? It feels like if I move forward that I am letting go of the past so does that mean that it wasn’t a significant part of my life? At times I feel like I am doing life some kind of injustice because I am trying to keep moving forward. But, what is the alternative? Bury my head in the sand and be content with where my life currently is? To move backward and try to fix things that were somehow broken. Is that even possible. At times I feel like I am just STUCK!

Life didn’t stop when my heart got broken. It didn’t stop when my parents died, it didn’t stop when I miscarried, it didn’t stop when my marriage was over. Life keeps going whether we do or not. It is easy for me to shut down. It is easy for me to pretend that everything is ok. It is easy for me to pretend that I am ok. You put a smile on your face and you put one foot in front of the other and you keep going. Or you don’t. I went to bed. I stayed in bed. I gained 75lbs. I cried and sobbed and begged God to let me leave this world because I couldn’t handle the pain.  Then I cried some more as God gently tells me that He isn’t finished with me yet. There is life after this. So what do you do? Do you keep your head buried in the sand and go thru the motions of life never really trying to live? Do you continue to watch the person you thought was YOUR happy ever after be with someone new? Do you continue to feel sorry for yourself and wonder what you could have done differently to keep him at home and not cheating on you? Do you continue to spend your weekends covered in the shelter of your bedroom so that people don’t realize that you are NOT OK? Or do you finally say enough is enough and throw the covers back and say alright LIFE, lets do this.

November 14, 2014, is a day I will never forget. That was the day that he walked out of the house to go to the store and came back in 9 hours later and said I want a divorce. That day started this downhill spiral of hurt and anger and so many other emotions I don’t even know where to start. In the past 20 months my life has turned upside down a million times if it has once. When the going gets tough, instead of asking for help, I tend to shut completely down. It is easier for me that way. Let’s put this to the side and I will come back to it when I can handle it better, but the time when I can handle it better will never come. If I can just keep it covered, it will go away is what my mind says… but what it feels like is that I have just added another 100lbs to the mountain I am carrying around on my back because I hide things in my heart and never address the emotion that comes along with it and it just keeps building and building. There has to come a time that you start chipping away.at that mountain; no matter how much it hurts to chip, start chipping anyway.

I started counseling on Monday and one of the things that she said to me was that it will get darker before the dawn. That I have to face this stuff in my life. It wont be easy she said, but it will be worth it. I am trying to make new friends that get it. That will stand beside me thru the dark and will help me refuse to shut down when it gets hard. I have always tried to take care of everyone else without regard to myself, now I need someone to show me how to take care of me.

I am sure over the next few months as I start working thru all of the crap in my life you will see my views change, my opinions change, hopefully you will see my strength and courage increase. Yes, I am throwing my life out there for the whole world to see. For you to watch me go thru this transformation and learn to love myself and be thankful for this life that God saw fit to Bless me with. If my story helps one person throw back the covers and stand up and believe in themselves then it will be worth the heartache that is poured out thru my fingers for the world to see.

Problems were made to be solved and Life was made to be lived.

 

Lord thank you for the courage to write. I know that my grammar isn’t great, but my heart is in the right place and for that I am thankful. Thank you Father, for the person that is reading this right now. Lord please help us all to remember to take care of ourselves . When we get in over our heads, help us to remember that YOU Lord,are there supporting us even when our fears try to make us forget. Amen. (Prayer partially borrowed from @MelodyBeattie)

Strength and Courage

For days I haven’t written, I tried. I sat in front of my computer and looked stuff up and thought about what I wanted to write and NOTHING would come. The words just didn’t seem to be there. I seem to be in a crazy thought process. So many things have gone wrong in my life. I always try to blame myself and take all the responsibility for everyone else’s heart ache. I want to help everyone else. Who cares if I get what I need. As long as everyone else is ok. I have been that way for as long as I can remember. Then I get upset because when I need people to be there for me, they aren’t. Maybe they can’t or just don’t want to be. I don’t know. But in looking back at it, I did what I did from my heart..Without expectation at the time of anything in return. But then it seemed like the only time I would hear from people was when they needed something. And that hurt. Whether it was the complete truth or just how it felt to me I don’t know. So when I started feeling that way I started letting it get to me and then I felt obligated to help. I didn’t realize at the time that maybe I was trying to buy love from them. That if they needed something and I could get it for them then maybe just maybe I would have a place of value in their life. That they would see that I loved them and would help them and maybe just maybe they would love me back. it didn’t quite turn out that way. It turned out as me being bitter and hurt and them seeing me as someone who just wanted to give them something so that I had something to hold over their heads. That was never my intention. My life was falling apart and I wanted them to have a better life. I never meant to hurt them or make them angry.

breathecompLOCKThe definition of strength is the quality or state of being strong in particular strong being the power to withstand great force or pressure.

The definition of courage being the ability to do something that frightens you. (the description or phrase underneath the definition was strength in the face of pain or grief.)

Funny that courage should mention strength. Because in order to have one you almost always have to have the other I think. I am so terrified of being alone of not being wanted and not being loved. (Wow did I really just write my biggest fears out for the whole world to see?) I am coming to realize that no one can fill this empty void in my life but Christ and Christ alone. But there is a catch. I have to let him. I have to give it to him and let it go….not just a piece of it or a few pieces of it. I have to allow him my whole heart. Not only do I have to allow him my whole heart but I have to walk away and leave it with him. I cant go back and pick up a piece here and there because I think I can handle that part now. I have to trust him to take care of it. He is God almighty and He DOES NOT need any help from me.

I need to be able to have the strength and courage to see things clearly thru God’s eyes and not my own. @ThemaDavis said Saying YES to Happiness means saying NO to the things and the PEOPLE that stress you out. Lord, if she only knew what that quote speaks to me right now. How much I want to say yes to happiness but how saying No has left me feeling so alone. How not having the courage and strength to see clearly what I was doing to myself and how I was doing it has completely turned my world upside down.

Today I am going to let it all go. All the stress, the hurt, the anxiety. I will no longer shut myself down. I will no longer help others to my own expense. Lord, I give all of this to you. I know that you can heal my heart. I know that I have to forgive not only other people but myself. Over the next few weeks I am going to be working on forgiveness with my counselor. I  know that I am on the right path but the next few weeks are going to be hard, they are going to be dark and they are going to hurt. But, I know that my God is FAITHFUL!

Psalm 89:8-9 says, Lord God All-Powerful, there is no one like you. You are strong, Lord, and  always faithful. You rule the stormy sea. You can calm its angry waves.

Exodus 14:14 gives me strength and courage to see clearly because it says that the LORD, will fight for me, I need only be still.pablo