I don’t even know where to start this blog. I am not sure what I want to write about or if I even want to write about anything. I am trying so hard to keep moving forward. What does that even mean, moving forward? It feels like if I move forward that I am letting go of the past so does that mean that it wasn’t a significant part of my life? At times I feel like I am doing life some kind of injustice because I am trying to keep moving forward. But, what is the alternative? Bury my head in the sand and be content with where my life currently is? To move backward and try to fix things that were somehow broken. Is that even possible. At times I feel like I am just STUCK!
Life didn’t stop when my heart got broken. It didn’t stop when my parents died, it didn’t stop when I miscarried, it didn’t stop when my marriage was over. Life keeps going whether we do or not. It is easy for me to shut down. It is easy for me to pretend that everything is ok. It is easy for me to pretend that I am ok. You put a smile on your face and you put one foot in front of the other and you keep going. Or you don’t. I went to bed. I stayed in bed. I gained 75lbs. I cried and sobbed and begged God to let me leave this world because I couldn’t handle the pain. Then I cried some more as God gently tells me that He isn’t finished with me yet. There is life after this. So what do you do? Do you keep your head buried in the sand and go thru the motions of life never really trying to live? Do you continue to watch the person you thought was YOUR happy ever after be with someone new? Do you continue to feel sorry for yourself and wonder what you could have done differently to keep him at home and not cheating on you? Do you continue to spend your weekends covered in the shelter of your bedroom so that people don’t realize that you are NOT OK? Or do you finally say enough is enough and throw the covers back and say alright LIFE, lets do this.
November 14, 2014, is a day I will never forget. That was the day that he walked out of the house to go to the store and came back in 9 hours later and said I want a divorce. That day started this downhill spiral of hurt and anger and so many other emotions I don’t even know where to start. In the past 20 months my life has turned upside down a million times if it has once. When the going gets tough, instead of asking for help, I tend to shut completely down. It is easier for me that way. Let’s put this to the side and I will come back to it when I can handle it better, but the time when I can handle it better will never come. If I can just keep it covered, it will go away is what my mind says… but what it feels like is that I have just added another 100lbs to the mountain I am carrying around on my back because I hide things in my heart and never address the emotion that comes along with it and it just keeps building and building. There has to come a time that you start chipping away.at that mountain; no matter how much it hurts to chip, start chipping anyway.
I started counseling on Monday and one of the things that she said to me was that it will get darker before the dawn. That I have to face this stuff in my life. It wont be easy she said, but it will be worth it. I am trying to make new friends that get it. That will stand beside me thru the dark and will help me refuse to shut down when it gets hard. I have always tried to take care of everyone else without regard to myself, now I need someone to show me how to take care of me.
I am sure over the next few months as I start working thru all of the crap in my life you will see my views change, my opinions change, hopefully you will see my strength and courage increase. Yes, I am throwing my life out there for the whole world to see. For you to watch me go thru this transformation and learn to love myself and be thankful for this life that God saw fit to Bless me with. If my story helps one person throw back the covers and stand up and believe in themselves then it will be worth the heartache that is poured out thru my fingers for the world to see.
Problems were made to be solved and Life was made to be lived.
Lord thank you for the courage to write. I know that my grammar isn’t great, but my heart is in the right place and for that I am thankful. Thank you Father, for the person that is reading this right now. Lord please help us all to remember to take care of ourselves . When we get in over our heads, help us to remember that YOU Lord,are there supporting us even when our fears try to make us forget. Amen. (Prayer partially borrowed from @MelodyBeattie)