Ok.. so I have been to church more times in the past seven days than I have in the past seven months put together. It just feels like where I need to be. I have questioned God so many times in the course of my life. Sometimes for answers I am positive I am never meant to know. But being in his presence and the presence of other people who are struggling with life but Fully trusting God is an amazing feeling.
On Wednesday nights I am doing this small group about divorce and I have a study workbook to help me work thru the care program. In this workbook I have things to read everyday and things to think about. Questions to answer that require deep searching within myself. This is HARD ya’ll. Today for the first time in a week I wanted to shut down. Remember in a previous blog I told you that when the going gets tough I shut down and hide. Well the questions were tough today!
The meaning behind today was to Be honest with God and with yourself. Really…. it is one thing to be honest with people about things that don’t really matter in the Grand scheme of things. But to really have to sit down and Be honest with yourself in order to be honest with God…. well that just sucked! It is so much easier to bury feelings inside of me than to face them head on and get thru to the other side of them.
The project for today was to tell God, HONESTLY how I felt. I had to really think about that. I wanted it to flow easy and say that I was happy, that I was content with where I am… be all peaches and cream. But guess what? IT ISN’T! When I started really thinking about MY feelings… WOW!
I feel like I am opening up this can of worms that is going to destroy me before God can heal me and I am scared! I am angry. I am hurt. I am lonely. I am frustrated. I don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel worthy. I don’t feel safe.( I feel physically safe, just not emotionally) I feel vulnerable.
I am scared that now that I have started this journey that everything is going to fall apart.
I am angry that this has become my life. This WAS NOT MY PLAN! I was not supposed to have been married and divorce twice. I was not supposed to have a criminal record. I was not supposed to have been on drugs at any point in my life. I was not supposed to have been in more than one relationship. It just WAS NOT MY PLAN! My plan was to marry my high school sweetheart, have a house full of babies and live happily ever after. Isn’t that what every one dreams.
I am hurt that people use me for a door mat… even more hurt that I allowed this to happen. Even encouraged it sometimes. because if they were using me they were at least a part of my life and I didn’t feel so alone.
I am lonely. I have never been okay with being alone. I have never liked it. I don’t even like going to the grocery store alone. Heck to be purposefully honest I don’t even like opening the door after dark. Hello I am 40 years old… Why the heck and I afraid of the the dark. I don’t like being alone. Sometimes I wonder if that is because I don’t like the person that I have become.
I am frustrated. I am frustrated because I cant seem to get it right. I cant seem to fix me. I cant seem to see things thru. I start a project and get halfway thru it and give up because it gets hard. Why cant I just work thru it? Why do I always give up? What is wrong with me?
I don’t feel good enough. This is a problem I have struggled with since I was 8. Long story but God knows the story and He is working on it with me. So is my counselor.
I don’t feel worthy. I don’t understand how a God that I have walked away from time after time after time could still see me worthy and stand right where I left him with open arms waiting for me to come back. Who does that? Why doesn’t he just give up on me?
I don’t feel safe. I am safe physically. But my heart used to feel like it had a home. It doesn’t anymore. I used to feel safe wrapped up in someones arms and calm and be able to sleep at night. I don’t feel any of that anymore. I feel completely alone sometimes. I don’t like the feeling. I don’t like the feeling of not knowing what the future is going to hold. Life is dynamic, I am told that all the time, and that statement scares the crap out of me. Everything is always changing. If I were to lose my job tomorrow…. I wouldn’t have a home, I already don’t have a vehicle. I feel like slowly everything is starting to fall apart.
I feel vulnerable. Having to face all these feelings and not clam them up and shut down is hard. Today i just wanted to lay in bed and give up. The more I thought about all of this the more scared I got.
Yes I have put this out there for the world to see. You don’t have to like it. You don’t even have to read it. But I need to write it. You don’t have to understand it. Sometimes life is about risking everything on a dream that no one can see but you and God.
I have always tried to be like someone else. Because their life was more exciting than mine seem to be. Or I tried to be like someone I thought someone else wanted me to be. If I just did this they would love me, they would want to be around me. IF, IF, If, if, but I am learning that those IFs are not me. I need to learn to be ME. I am who God made me. I have to face these fears. Melody Beattie said it best when she said, “What others think and say about me are their issues and not mine. This is Life, Not a Funeral service. “