So.. I started reading this book by Larry Winget that I borrowed from a friend. The name of the book is called You’re Broke Because You Want to Be. I have read the introduction and the first chapter. WOW. This dude really makes you stop and analyze what you are doing and why you are doing it. I think I am the queen of procrastination and excuses of why I cant or shouldn’t do something. What it boils down to is I am LAZY. There is absolutely no reason that I still have a basket of clean laundry sitting in my bedroom from last week not put away. There is no reason that I still have dishes in my sink from this morning. There is no reason whatsoever that I haven’t finished this mod with school, or that I haven’t stayed up with my divorce class, or my project list. I could take this list on and on… but it would all end the same. All of these things will end with because I am LAZY!  I have time to lay in bed and scroll facebook or pinterest or email. I have time to watch TV. I have time to sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing. So what is stopping me from being productive. This guy totally hit the nail on the head when he said I was broke because I want to be. Because if I really didn’t want to be then I would get off of my lazy behind and get things accomplished.

Today I went back to list making. Things I need and want to get accomplished today. I am going to do my very best to get them done. I have made excuses and felt sorry for myself for way to long. I am where I am because I got myself here. There is NO ONE to blame but ME. And guess what… there is only ONE person who can change where I am at and what I am doing. It surely isn’t you, so who does that leave. ME! ME! and ME!

I cant call my friends to the rescue… well I have a couple that no matter how much I mess up will always be there for me… but neither of them will let me shirk responsibility of my choices. The both tell me that I am where I am because of the choices that I have made and I am the only one who can change that. I am the one that has to make better choices.

Our choices affect every aspect of our lives. Our eating habits affect our weight and overall health. If I put crap in my mouth, what do I expect my body to do with it. It is going to make my body look and feel like crap. If I change my hair color to purple then what is it going to look like. Every action has a reaction. Whether it be physical, mental, emotional; it is still a reaction.

My choice of making a list this morning has left me feeling somewhat accomplished this afternoon because I have been able to see the things that I wanted and needed to get done and mark them off the list. In turn that choice made me feel good about myself as I was able to knock things off the list. Don’t get me wrong there are things that still need to be done, but at the end of the day what I didn’t accomplish today I can move to tomorrow’s list.

Baby steps. Today I am thankful for baby steps. No matter how slowly I move I will be ok as long as I am moving forward.

Confirmation

WaymakerSo here I sit more determined that ever with my faithful GSD by my side. I am determined to live my life out loud. This morning when I woke up, I got out of bed and refused to get back in. I went to the gym, had breakfast with a friend and came home, Got my lady out of bed, got her set up with breakfast and came to read my devotionals, spend some dedicated time with God and write. Although once again I am not really sure where this blog is going to head.

I never name my blogs until I am done with them. Mainly because I have no idea what direction they are going in until they are done. I dont go back and reread them and proofread them because I know me. If I were to reread them then I would delete them because I would feel stupid putting life out there in the wide open for the world to see. However I feel like there is a purpose for me living my life out loud. I dont know what it is, I have asked God why, but so far the answer hasn’t been revealed.

Yesterday I had several confirmations about Psalm 27. I was talking to Rachel and was telling her about how it was hard to be honest with God because it meant that I had to face being honest with myself and that is something I had been struggling with. She told me for the next 7 days to read Psalm 27. Read it every day and really think about it. So i read it… probably 3 times…each time I saw it differently. Well last night I was at Carol’s house and we were talking and she took out her bible and said I was reading this today and I thought about you… She handed me her bible and guess what it was open to… Psalm 27. If that isn’t confirmation from God, I truly dont know what is. He couldn’t have gotten any more real if he had thrown a book and hit me square in the face with it.

I am afraid of all these things… but the very first verse in that Psalm is The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear. How can I be afraid when God is such a bright light? Further down in the chapter it says; though an army encamp against me; my heart SHALL NOT FEAR!

Lately, I have truly felt like there was an army rising up against me. It seems like every where I turn there is a wall. I seem to hit them head on at 90 miles an hour. A few days ago I heard this song for the first time called Chainbreaker by @ZachWilliams…. the first line says if you have been walking the same old road for miles and miles… it caught my attention immediately… I have probably listened to it a hundred times since then if I have listened to it once. It truly resonates with my soul. It says if you have pain he is a pain taker, if you feel lost he is a way maker.

Anyone that knows me knows that I suck at directions. I often say I can get lost in a wet paper sack. That truly is no lie. However I seem to want to hurry right along and build my happy little life in a box in my comfort zone because I am afraid of getting lost. But Zach Williams is right…. when I am lost… Jesus is a way maker.  He makes a way where there seems to be no way at all. I feel stuck in life. I feel like this is where I am supposed to be, but i don’t know the purpose. And if anyone reading this knows me… I have NO patience and I HATE waiting.

I want instant results. ALWAYS. From people, from myself, and from God. But alas again the last verse of Psalm 27 says; WAIT FOR THE LORD.

Father, I know I am not the only one that struggles with waiting and wanting answers. I am not the only one who puts other people ahead of myself. Lord please teach me to wait. Help me to not let my fear of getting lost in the struggle keep me from fighting the battle for you. There are so many things that I know you have under control and I just have to leave them there. Help me to continue the journey closer to you Lord. Amen

Overwhelmed

Another day that I have struggled. Struggled to get out of bed. I got up did my duties, laid back down pulled the covers over my head until it was time to do the next set of duties. No desire to read my bible, do my devotions. I just felt discouraged all the way around. Life seems to have a way of beating me down. Or do I seem to have a way of letting myself beat me down? I am not quite sure. So many things I want to do… So many projects that I was looking forward to that I dont even want to touch now. I just feel done. I dont even know how to explain it. I want things to happen RIGHT NOW. I want a peace, I want a serenity. What I am getting is a drowning feeling. I want to believe in myself. I want to believe in my ability to get things done. But I ALWAYS give up… I let things pile up until I get overwhelmed. I want to wave a magic wand and them just be taken care of without me having to do the work. I have gotten lazy in my being. Things dont happen when I want them to happen, I give up because I get the notion that maybe they aren’t suppose to happen. But again What if I don’t give up? What if I jut worked a little harder and trusted a little more. When I finally decided to do my devotional reading and spend some time with God today I was gently reminded that it is ok to be in between. I dont have to have the answer right this very minute. Things don’t have to be perfect all the time. Sometimes the answer is in the waiting. David and Goliath

It is hard to wait. It is hard to not know. I have to remember that God has a plan. It may not ever be for me to have all the answers. @SteveAitchison said that sometimes the journey has to be traveled alone in order to appreciate the strengths that lie deep inside of us. If you are anything like me I HATE doing anything alone. I truly do hate being by myself. I always have. I think probably because I have never like or believed in me. I have always needed affirmation that I was doing the right thing, the right way. I have never trusted my own opinion. I always needed someone to confirm my thought. Why?

Wow, where did that come from? Again one of those in order to be honest with God, I have to address things and be honest with myself. Why have I never allowed myself to be enough? For my opinion to matter? For my thoughts to count? Why do I discredit my own worth? Why do I let others discredit my worth? Somewhere I once read that nobody will ever see your value if you set your worth low… or something of that nature. I cant remember it exactly. I need to answer these questions for myself. Maybe that is part of the journey that I am supposed to travel alone.

I read today that sometimes God allows Goliath in our life so that we can find our very own David. Lord that is my plea today, Help me find my very own David. Help me to know that I am enough because I am YOUR child. Help me to believe in my own self and not need the confirmation of others when I know in  my heart that I am following YOUR will. Father you know this journey that I am on. You know where this path is going to lead, I ask that you keep me in the ways that you would have me go. Help me to remember that I do count and to give myself credit where credit is due. Lord help me to be confident because I am on your path. Even when I am in between Lord thank you for the gentle reminder that you are still there with me and whom shall I fear. Psalm 2714

Purpose

I always sit down in front of my computer and know that I am going to write but dont have a clear plan as to what the blog will contain when I am done. One of the things that I have been doing lately is asking God to lead and guide me and to let the words that you read be a blessing to you.

I sat down to write last night and my computer started acting up and I got frustrated and gave up. That is typically what I do. When things get hard, I give up. I have always been scared to step out of my comfort zone, so I don’t keep trying. Shutting down, walking away, giving up; all of that is easier than fighting the battle. To be honest, I have been fighting these feelings the last few days. It seems like the closer I get to God, the harder life gets.

Night before last I got some heart breaking news that someone I had looked up to my entire life, a man that was there for me during some of the hardest moments of my life was not going to be in this life very much longer. I will never forget what he did for me. When my daddy got sick this man helped me with Dr’s appointments, when daddy went to the nursing home for some rehab after knee surgery he visited him every single day. When he was in ICU he visited every single day. At 3am when I got to the ICU doors after being called to the hospital, he was already there waiting for me. He was the one that told me that my daddy had went to be with the Lord. As my knees buckled and the tears streamed down my face he caught me in his arms and held me together. Over the next few months I don’t know what I would have done without he and his wife. They were a constant source of strength for me. I haven’t been there for them as I should have been but I pray he knew how very much he meant to me and how very much I loved him. He was a constant believer. There is no doubt in my mind that when he went yesterday he was met by out Savior, that he is rejoicing right now. If someone was sick and in the hospital, nursing home or even shut in at their house Lendy Max Quick visited them. You could always find him doing so if at no other time during the week, Sundays after church were on the visiting field. He set an example. An example of love like I have never seen. He never gave up. He will most definitely be missed by many.

I spent most of Saturday night crying and asking God why. Why did he have to take an amazing man when there were so many people who were evil that could have left this world. I wasn’t going to go to church Sunday morning. I just wanted to stay in bed and bawl my eyes out and hide under the covers. But I have a friend that I invited to church. He has been going thru some pretty rough stuff himself. He called and said he wanted to go. So I got up and got ready and went. One foot in front of the other, right? So much easier said than done. But, I went. I am glad I did. I am so very thankful that he decided to go because I NEEDED to be there. Pastor Ralph’s message was about living in your purpose.

You are not here on accident, he said. YOU are here for a PURPOSE. I took so many notes yesterday morning about this sermon of purpose, because I want to live a life of purpose. I want to make every day count. I want to build a relationship with Jesus Christ. To spend every day building that relationship stronger and closer to him. We live in a world of distractions. I know my life is filled with them. I didn’t realize just how many until I started thinking about them after church yesterday. I didn’t realize how many things hindered my time spent with God. I didn’t think about how I really needed to spend time with God.

This morning I was ready once again just to throw in the towel and give up. I just didnt feel worthy. I am human and my thoughts are crazy. My heart hurts. I feel like I just suck at relationships period. I got on facebook and was scrolling thru my news feed and my friend Tracy had reposted a live video that her daughter Hallie Long had done last night and it was an original song that she wrote called What if I don’t. As I listened to the words of the song and she said What if I dont, what if I stay? What if I hit my knees and pray for you? That song spoke to my soul. not for the reasons that I think she meant it. But God has a way of working things in your head to mean other things. He spoke to me thru Hallie this morning. It made me think What IF I don’t give up? What if I do stay? What IF I hit my knees and pray about the things that on my heart instead of just hiding behind the craziness of life.

I refuse to pull the covers over my head. I want to live a life of Purpose. I want to be someone doesn’t miss the purpose that I was created for. Pastor said yesterday that we are renewed by our relationship with God and by HIS word.  That our Joy comes from sorrow. God’s plan is to use me for His purpose. Today I am asking myself What can I do to expand God’s reach to others? I know that God can overcome any obstacle. He is greater than any distraction and greater than any obstacle that the enemy puts in our path.

Today, I want to know God better and Love HIM more!  I want to step out of my comfort zone and into HIS purpose.