Forgiveness will be an ongoing topic thru the next few months as I learn to do forgiveness myself. In the last few months I have realized that I can not overcome my issues alone. I start to try to work thru them and when they get too hard I shut down and give up. For my whole life that is how I dealt with things. If life gets hard, give in and give up. Never really standing up for myself or what I believed in. I didn’t realize that I was holding on to grudges or anger, sometimes even denial. A LOT of denial.
Denial eventually became my escape. If I denied that it was happening then I didnt have to deal with it. I could pretend that everything was okay. I could pretend that there was absolutely NOTHING wrong. The problem with that is, the only thing I was truly denying was my very own serenity. I held on to things for far to long. I kept telling myself that if it wasnt okay that if I tried hard enough I could fix it. What truly needed fixing I think was my brain. I thought my heart needed fixing but only God can mend that. But he cant even begin to start the mending process until I let things go.
Letting go is not easy ya’ll. Letting go means you have to work thru it. Letting go means that you have to face the facts. It means that you just might have to admit your faults. It means it just might hurt. It might feel completely devastating and leaving you feel completely vulnerable. But from what I hear it is so life changingly worth it.
My very first appointment with my life coach, I was told that I needed to start with forgiveness. I was given a book called Choosing Forgiveness by Nancy Leigh Demoss and 4 pages worth of questions to answer before my next appointment. Well lets just say before I see her again there will be 6 weeks of lapsed time. The first appointment cancelled because I couldnt bring myself to read the book much less answer the questions. The second appointment cancelled because she was out of town for 2 weeks, Next appointment cancelled because I wasnt ready yet. I still had not picked up the book. The next 3 weeks she is out of town again. So I dont have to pick up the book yet. I also know that if I dont pick up the book the process will NEVER begin.
I finally picked up the book today. It was quite interesting to say the least. One of the very first things that popped out at me was a statement, “We cannot expect to live at peace with God or to experience His blessing in our lives if we refuse to forgive our debtors. To do so is to choke out His grace and to allow Satan to get an advantage of us.”
I so truly want to live in peace. I hate looking over my shoulder and waiting for the shoe to drop. When I started analyzing the things that were being said in the book i started realizing that I am being eaten alive by bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness. All of this is also eating away at my joy. It is causing me to close off my heart and put up walls to keep the good things out. I didnt see how my inner being bears the sign of the darkened room that I have chosen to live. Yes I said it… I CHOSE TO LIVE THERE. It was easier that way. According to the book, “it’s time to pull back the drapes and move out of the darkness. Forgiveness is not a method to be learned as much as a truth to be lived.”
I have come to accept that I have only started coping with things instead of dealing with it. I have buried it, put a mask on it. I have tried to stay busy or laugh it off. But in going thru this book and having to think about it. I realize that so far this lady is spot on about me. I am not free from any of my past. This is going to be a very difficult process, I have a feeling it may get very ugly as I go thru the layers of crap that I have buried. But I know that if I dont do it, I will never truly be at peace.
So be prepared as I go on this journey, for some crazy posts that will lay out my life. Some may be written with a hurtful heart. Some may be written with anger, some with tears, but thru it all the one thing I hope to get out of all of this is healing.
Until next time, D