Most of the time when I sit down to finally write I dont really know where the blog will go or how it will end so I dont put a title on it until the very end. Tonight is no different. I know that I have a heart full of things that I need to say, but I have absolutely no clue how they will come out or if they will all come out. The last few weeks I have been fighting a battle. Some of my closest people know about it but most do not. I have held my thoughts and feelings in because that is what I do… It is easier to try to fix or help everyone else instead of looking inside myself and starting to mend the hurt. But in doing that, when I lay my head down at the end of the day, I cant catch my breath. I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest and it is suffocating. Then the silent screams start. They are so loud it is deafening. I feel like I am just going thru the motions. I am trying so very hard to climb out of the hole that I have allowed myself to slowly slip into. At least I think it was slowly. I am not sure when it actually started. I just know that I feel like I woke up and everything was different.
This week I have felt insignificant and unwanted and unworthy. I realized that I truly dont even like to look in the mirror… I dont like what I see. I dont like what I feel. My friend reached out to me this week and invited me to come out tonight and hear her testimony. I almost didnt go. I have fought this stupid head cold this week and I have felt like crap. I almost sent her a text to tell her that I was praying for her and that I knew she was going to do awesome. But I had told her I would be there. Not that I would try, not I would see what I could do.. I told her I WOULD be there. The devil fought me at every turn, kept telling me that she would understand. I should just stay home and rest. But I told her I would be there and there was something in me that said I NEEDED to hear what she had to say.
Boy did I need to hear her story. She has no idea some of the stuff she said hit so deep in my gut that I almost couldnt breathe. How alone and broken that I have felt and how I felt like it was all my fault that I deserved what I got. The things that happened to me and how even to this day no one knows anything about them. How many times I have lied to make things look differently than they were so that people would look badly upon me.
I often wonder if people could see inside my head and my heart if they would even utter my name again. I feel so broken beyond repair. Tonight as I listened to Jen tell her story and how God had helped her repair and continues to help her repair. I wondered if maybe I could do the same. Then I wonder if I am too broken, or if I have done so much wrong that I am not worthy of forgiveness. Is there a point where even God says NO MORE. I am done. If so what is that point?
I feel so alone. I see what God is doing in other peoples lives. I want that too, but I am so terrified that I have went to far. That I am truly unforgivable. I feel so shattered that I dont even know where all the pieces went. How do I out them back together? How do I stand up for what I believe in, when I am not sure what to believe? Have I lied to myself for so long about being ok that it is to broken to be fixed. I have so many mixed emotions tonight that I dont know what to do with them. I feel like I am scattered and just rambling, but I cant seem to stop.
I need to remember who I am, what I am and where I am. I need to know what I want out of life and figure out how to get it. Please say a prayer for me when you read this. Tonight I am so much more confused about me than I have ever been.