Forgiveness

Forgiveness will be an ongoing topic thru the next few months as I learn to do forgiveness myself. In the last few months I have realized that I can not overcome my issues alone. I start to try to work thru them and when they get too hard I shut down and give up.  For my whole life that is how I dealt with things. If life gets hard, give in and give up. Never really standing up for myself or what I believed in. I didn’t realize that I was holding on to grudges or anger, sometimes even denial. A LOT of denial.

Denial eventually became my escape. If I denied that it was happening then I didnt have to deal with it. I could pretend that everything was okay. I could pretend that there was absolutely NOTHING wrong. The problem with that is, the only thing I was truly denying was my very own serenity. I held on to things for far to long. I kept telling myself that if it wasnt okay that if I tried hard enough I could fix it. What truly needed fixing I think was my brain. I thought my heart needed fixing but only God can mend that. But he cant even begin to start the mending process until I let things go.

Letting go is not easy ya’ll. Letting go means you have to work thru it. Letting go means that you have to face the facts. It means that you just might have to admit your faults. It means it just might hurt. It might feel completely devastating and leaving you feel completely vulnerable.  But from what I hear it is so life changingly worth it.

My very first appointment with my life coach, I was told that I needed to start with forgiveness. I was given a book called Choosing Forgiveness by Nancy Leigh Demoss and 4 pages worth of questions to answer before my next appointment. Well lets just say before I see her again there will be 6 weeks of lapsed time. The first appointment cancelled because I couldnt bring myself to read the book much less answer the questions. The second appointment cancelled because she was out of town for 2 weeks, Next appointment cancelled because I wasnt ready yet. I still had not picked up the book. The next 3 weeks she is out of town again. So I dont have to pick up the book yet. I also know that if I dont pick up the book the process will NEVER begin.

I finally picked up the book today. It was quite interesting to say the least. One of the very first things that popped out at me was a statement, “We cannot expect to live at peace with God or to experience His blessing in our lives if we refuse to forgive our debtors. To do so is to choke out His grace and to allow Satan to get an advantage of us.”

I so truly want to live in peace. I hate looking over my shoulder and waiting for the shoe to drop. When I started analyzing the things that were being said in the book i started realizing that I am being eaten alive by bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness.  All of this is also eating away at my joy. It is causing me to close off my heart and  put up walls to keep the good things out. I didnt see how my inner being bears the sign of the darkened room that I have chosen to live. Yes I said it… I CHOSE TO LIVE THERE. It was easier that way. According to the book, “it’s time to pull back the drapes and move out of the darkness. Forgiveness is not a method to be learned as much as a truth to be lived.”

I have come to accept that I have only started coping with things instead of dealing with it. I have buried it, put a mask on it. I have tried to stay busy or laugh it off. But in going thru this book and having to think about it. I realize that so far this lady is spot on about me. I am not free from any of my past. This is going to be a very difficult process, I have a feeling it may get very ugly as I go thru the layers of crap that I have buried. But I know that if I dont do it, I will never truly be at peace.

So be prepared as I go on this journey, for some crazy posts that will lay out my life. Some may be written with a hurtful heart. Some may be written with anger, some with tears, but thru it all the one thing I hope to get out of all of this is healing.

 

Until next time,  D

Strength and Courage

For days I haven’t written, I tried. I sat in front of my computer and looked stuff up and thought about what I wanted to write and NOTHING would come. The words just didn’t seem to be there. I seem to be in a crazy thought process. So many things have gone wrong in my life. I always try to blame myself and take all the responsibility for everyone else’s heart ache. I want to help everyone else. Who cares if I get what I need. As long as everyone else is ok. I have been that way for as long as I can remember. Then I get upset because when I need people to be there for me, they aren’t. Maybe they can’t or just don’t want to be. I don’t know. But in looking back at it, I did what I did from my heart..Without expectation at the time of anything in return. But then it seemed like the only time I would hear from people was when they needed something. And that hurt. Whether it was the complete truth or just how it felt to me I don’t know. So when I started feeling that way I started letting it get to me and then I felt obligated to help. I didn’t realize at the time that maybe I was trying to buy love from them. That if they needed something and I could get it for them then maybe just maybe I would have a place of value in their life. That they would see that I loved them and would help them and maybe just maybe they would love me back. it didn’t quite turn out that way. It turned out as me being bitter and hurt and them seeing me as someone who just wanted to give them something so that I had something to hold over their heads. That was never my intention. My life was falling apart and I wanted them to have a better life. I never meant to hurt them or make them angry.

breathecompLOCKThe definition of strength is the quality or state of being strong in particular strong being the power to withstand great force or pressure.

The definition of courage being the ability to do something that frightens you. (the description or phrase underneath the definition was strength in the face of pain or grief.)

Funny that courage should mention strength. Because in order to have one you almost always have to have the other I think. I am so terrified of being alone of not being wanted and not being loved. (Wow did I really just write my biggest fears out for the whole world to see?) I am coming to realize that no one can fill this empty void in my life but Christ and Christ alone. But there is a catch. I have to let him. I have to give it to him and let it go….not just a piece of it or a few pieces of it. I have to allow him my whole heart. Not only do I have to allow him my whole heart but I have to walk away and leave it with him. I cant go back and pick up a piece here and there because I think I can handle that part now. I have to trust him to take care of it. He is God almighty and He DOES NOT need any help from me.

I need to be able to have the strength and courage to see things clearly thru God’s eyes and not my own. @ThemaDavis said Saying YES to Happiness means saying NO to the things and the PEOPLE that stress you out. Lord, if she only knew what that quote speaks to me right now. How much I want to say yes to happiness but how saying No has left me feeling so alone. How not having the courage and strength to see clearly what I was doing to myself and how I was doing it has completely turned my world upside down.

Today I am going to let it all go. All the stress, the hurt, the anxiety. I will no longer shut myself down. I will no longer help others to my own expense. Lord, I give all of this to you. I know that you can heal my heart. I know that I have to forgive not only other people but myself. Over the next few weeks I am going to be working on forgiveness with my counselor. I  know that I am on the right path but the next few weeks are going to be hard, they are going to be dark and they are going to hurt. But, I know that my God is FAITHFUL!

Psalm 89:8-9 says, Lord God All-Powerful, there is no one like you. You are strong, Lord, and  always faithful. You rule the stormy sea. You can calm its angry waves.

Exodus 14:14 gives me strength and courage to see clearly because it says that the LORD, will fight for me, I need only be still.pablo