Day #3 My Animals

I am an animal lover thru and thru. I have always had animals for as long as I can remember. The 2 that I currently have are both rescues. My sweet big boy is a 12-year-old german shepherd. He has been beside me for the past 9 years and has been my comfort thru so many trials. He has been thru heck and back with me. He always seems to know when my anxiety is thru the roof. He stays pretty close to me and if it gets too bad he will keep sticking his head underneath my head to calm me down and get me to focus on him. He is not a “therapy dog” but he is certainly my best therapy. I am so very blessed to have him. The sweet little girl is new to me. She is 6 years old and was tortured for 5 1/2 years of that. She is deathly terrified of any kind of rope coming near her.. When I first rescued her to work with her, I could barely get near her.  If you reached toward her she would run and hide. In the past two weeks, she has come so far. I work very patiently with her every day. She now comes when she is called, she will take food from my hand, she will go to her kennel when told to go to bed and has developed an overall sweet spirit. That is unless you are trying to clip her nails…she doesn’t really care for that at all. So these are my current 2 loves…. Meet Buddy (the German Shepherd) and Nolly (the Chihuahua).16523954_242845656125220_1394505868_o

The meaning behind my blog name…

My blog is meant to be a story of my life. The past few years have been pretty rough. Divorce, attempted suicide, starting over and over and over again. I am sincerely CHASING SERENITY in my life. I want the peace and quiet of my soul. I started this blog after my whole life was turned upside down.  The man I thought was supposed to be the absolute love of my life, my forever so to speak, came home one night after disappearing for hours and said that he was still in love with someone else. Coincidentally over the next few months as the truths started coming out he had kept constant contact with her the entire time we were married. I felt like every ounce of my serenity had just been taken. Over the next few months, everything just kind of came crashing and I sincerely felt as if I was chasing any serenity I could find. Any type of peace I could find period. It didn’t matter where I got it from I just needed to feel like I could breathe. This blog was supposed to be an accounting of me seeking that serenity. How I found it (so far I haven’t), but I refuse to give up. I keep starting over. I have been told several times that it is not about how many times you fall it is all about how many times you stand back up. I am choosing to stand on that and keep standing up. I may never truly find serenity in this life, but I will keep chasing it and hoping to find it if not in this life in the next.

About Me….

So I haven’t blogged in a while. Life seems to somehow always get in the way… I have accepted a challenge to 30 days of me. I am hoping that this gives me the want to write again. So without further ado… Challenge Day 1 is to post a picture of me and 15 interesting facts about me….

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Facts about me:

  1. I absolutely love Jesus Christ!
  2. I am finally divorced.
  3. I am blessed beyond measure.
  4. I love to write, even though I am not all that great at it.
  5. I love to read my bible and devotions.
  6. I live in the middle of nowhere. ( I like the quiet)
  7. My favorite verse in the bible is Jeremiah 29:11 (read it)
  8. I have a heart for people even when I should walk away.
  9. I am 5’1
  10. I am a list maker.
  11. I intend to be organized. (one day)
  12. My porch is Turquoise (Thanks, Tracey)
  13. Incidentally, my favorite color is Turquoise.
  14. I love to play cards and board games
  15. I WILL BE SUCCESSFUL THIS YEAR!

so there you have it…. I challenge you to do the same.

 

Confusion

Most of the time when I sit down to finally write I dont really know where the blog will go or how it will end so I dont put a title on it until the very end. Tonight is no different. I know that I have a heart full of things that I need to say, but I have absolutely no clue how they will come out or if they will all come out. The last few weeks I have been fighting a battle. Some of my closest people know about it but most do not. I have held my thoughts and feelings in because that is what I do… It is easier to try to fix or help everyone else instead of looking inside myself and starting to mend the hurt. But in doing that, when I lay my head down at the end of the day, I cant catch my breath. I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest and it is suffocating. Then the silent screams start. They are so loud it is deafening. I feel like I am just going thru the motions. I am trying so very hard to climb out of the hole that I have allowed myself to slowly slip into. At least I think it was slowly. I am not sure when it actually started. I just know that I feel like I woke up and everything was different.

This week I have felt insignificant and unwanted and unworthy. I realized that I truly dont even like to look in the mirror… I dont like what I see. I dont like what I feel. My friend reached out to me this week and invited me to come out tonight and hear her testimony. I almost didnt go. I have fought this stupid head cold this week and I have felt like crap. I almost sent her a text to tell her that I was praying for her and that I knew she was going to do awesome. But I had told her I would be there. Not that I would try, not I would see what I could do.. I told her I WOULD be there. The devil fought me at every turn, kept telling me that she would understand. I should just stay home and rest. But I told her I would be there and there was something in me that said I NEEDED to hear what she had to say.

Boy did I need to hear her story. She has no idea some of the stuff she said hit so deep in my gut that I almost couldnt breathe. How alone and broken that I have felt and how I felt like it was all my fault that I deserved what I got. The things that happened to me and how even to this day no one knows anything about them. How many times I have lied to make things look differently than they were so that people would look badly upon me.

I often wonder if people could see inside my head and my heart if they would even utter my name again. I feel so broken beyond repair. Tonight as I listened to Jen tell her story and how God had helped her repair and continues to help her repair. I wondered if maybe I could do the same. Then I wonder if I am too broken, or if I have done so much wrong that I am not worthy of forgiveness. Is there a point where even God says NO MORE. I am done. If so what is that point?

I feel so alone. I see what God is doing in other peoples lives. I want that too, but I am so terrified that I have went to far. That I am truly unforgivable. I feel so shattered that I dont even know where all the pieces went. How do I out them back together? How do I stand up for what I believe in, when I am not sure what to believe? Have I lied to myself for so long about being ok that it is to broken to be fixed. I have so many mixed emotions tonight that I dont know what to do with them. I feel like I am scattered and just rambling, but I cant seem to stop.

I need to remember who I am, what I am and where I am. I need to know what I want out of life and figure out how to get it. Please say a prayer for me when you read this. Tonight I am so much more confused about me than I have ever been.

 

Judgements….

How people treat you says nothing about you, but everything about them. TobyMac.

When I think about this I realize that I have allowed my thoughts to be consumed with what other people think of me. I have allowed their thoughts to eat at me and make me try to change what I knew was true of myself. I also realize that what I think of others says more about me than it does about them.

I have no right to judge other people the same as they have no right to judge me. I often find myself looking at people and criticizing them instead of looking for the good in them. What is wrong with me?  When did I lose the ability to look for good?

It’s easy to look at people and make quick judgments about them, their present, their past, but you’d be amazed at the pain and tears that hide behind a single smile. What someone shows to you or the world is on one tiny part of the mountain that is hidden from your sight. More often than not is is streaked with scars and cracks that go all the way thru to the foundation of their souls…. Never Judge them. Learn to acknowledge and show respect to the feelings of others.

I know first hand how it feels to have people judge me based on my circumstances or outward appearnce without ever even trying to understand my heart. I have realized over the last few months with being sick and spending a lot of time on the couch and it taking all of my energy to lift my head that judging people by what you see of them isnt who they are. The circumstance doesnt make the person.

Instead of judging the book by its cover we need to read the contents. Encourage them, instead of telling them to just get up and get moving it will make them feel better. Because in my experience in the last few months…getting up and moving only made it worse. I tried it because I wanted to make someone else happy. I didnt want them to look at me as lazy and that is how I felt it was being looked at. But by trying to please other people I put myself back on the couch for longer than what it might have been if I had just done what I knew I needed to do and rested.

As I am going thru this journey, I have learned a lot about myself and about other people who fight chronic illness.

#1. IT SUCKS!!!!!!

#2. IT IS HARD!

#3. THERE ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE JUDGEMENT!

#4.YOU TRULY LEARN WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE.

#5. YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU.  (It is truly none of your business.)

#6. and most important….. there is only 2 opinions of you that matter…. your own and God’s.

With that being said, I am so very thankful that I have realized who truly cares about me. and I am even more thankful that I am learning to put my fairh where it belongs. People are going to treat you how they treat you. It is up to you how long you allow it, and how long and how you let it affect you.

May God Bless every single person that reads these words. I pray for you daily. The Bible says in 1 John 4:4 The Lord is greater than the giants you face.  Remember that!

Doubt

Karim Seddiki said that “Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.”

I ran across this quote this morning on pinterest. It was a slap in the face for me. I have often had dreams that I knew could be successful if I would just put my mind to the dream and continue the effort. I always seem to give up when it gets hard or when it isnt going the way that I think it should. I fail because I doubt my abilities. Or I lack the self confidence or self worth to see things thru. Even when I think it might work, I get scared and shut down for fear of another rejection.

I keep asking myself why is it that I am not good enough. Why do I doubt myself? What does doubt even mean? Well I googled it…. and google says it means, feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction.  well then I googled failure, and it means lack of success. Well that led me to google success and what it means. Sucess means the accomplishment of an aim or purpose.

With that being said does it mean that if I did something and it didnt exactly go as planned that it was still a success because I accomplished an aim? Who is it that gets to say if I am successful or not? Who gets to make that determination? If I do the best I can at something, and I put forth my very best effort and dont give up, whether I accomplish what I set out to do or not I think I have still been successful.

I have given up on myself so many times because someone else didnt like what I was doing or where something was going with me. Who are they to say that I cant do something? No one should be able to say I cant except for me and God. If I want to do something I should have every right to do so. Or at least every right to try.

I have so many things in my head that I want to do. So many projects that I want to try. I am going to continue to try to build a business from home. I feel like that is what God is leading me to do and that is what I feel in my heart is best for me. So that is what I am going to do. Do I doubt my abilities? yes, but I know that that is Satan and I will not let him destroy me. Do I know that I can do this… Absolutely. If God is for me, Who can be against me. If at first I dont succeed, I will continue to try. I am off to project land. I have 5 shirts to get made today and a mug to replace that broke in shipment. I hope everyone has a blessed day and remember that GREAT THINGS NEVER COME FROM COMFORT ZONES.

Thoughts….

There are so many thoughts in my head that I don’t even know where to begin writing them. Some I am sure are going to hurt like hell to say and some that are going to feel like a mountain has been lifted off of my chest. I had stopped blogging because people told me that I was putting too much of my life out there for the world. Even though I felt compelled to write and felt like I someone needed to hear what I had to say, I let someone tell me not to. In doing that I allowed them to make me feel less important, less worthy of being heard. I felt like my words werent good enough to be spoken. My friend Heather has also done the same for a few different reasons but basically because someone used her words against her. In talking to her the other day, I got angry that someone had taken her joy. That someone had made her feel less of a person. Those people have not walked in her shoes. They dont know what she goes thru every single day. Her blog and her social media were her venting space. HER SPACE. If they didnt like what she had to say then they dont have to read it. But how dare they take that space away from her. Space where she talks candidly about her life, making jokes, encouraging other people especially overwhelmed moms. Where she could throw something out there with the surety that someone else was going thru the same things and would know what to say and how to help her…. To have that outlet taken away from her made me angry. The angrier I got for her the more I realized that I was angry for myself. I had allowed people to do the same to me. Just because you dont like what I write….. DONT READ IT! But I do have a voice. I do have a life. I do matter. My words matter and from this day forward I will continue to write them. I will value your opinions, you have  a right to them. I will take them into consideration but I will not back down about things that are important to me or things that I feel like are crushing me.

The truth of the matter is, this is my life and no one else can live it but me. Yes I make mistakes. More than I care to admit, but I do my best to learn from them. I have always allowed other people to form my opinions of myself instead of taking the time to discover this myself. So I am a little late. Better late than never, at least that is what my mother always told me.

Over the next few days, I am going to do my best to set some new goals and actions plans to achieve those goals. I may fail miserably at every single one of those goals, however it will not be because I didnt try to achieve them.

I have been handed my fair share of struggles over the last few months. I have thought about giving up. But that is not in the cards. Satan is NOT going to win. My God is bigger than any demon in Satan’s army. Doctors can give diagnosis all day every day and they pretty much know what they are doing and can put you on the right course of treatment, however in no way, shape, fashion, or form do they have the last say in my health. My God has the last say. He is the answer. He has a plan. I dont know what it is. It is not for me to know. It is for me to learn to trust.

I will continue to put one foot in front of the other. Do a little, sit for a while. Take a nap. Take a walk. One day at a time… sometimes it seems one breath at a time. But I am still here. So for whatever Purpose God has a plan for me and I will do my best to fulfill HIS plan and not my own.

This probably sounds jumbled, but I honestly am not a “writer” i just write. I get thoughts in my head and then let my thoughts go no matter how they come out. For tonight I am going to call it a win Because for the first time in months, I had the courage to write unconditionally.  I pray that tomorrow is the same, and the days after that. I am working on me. I am learning how to cope with what has been handed to me, to trust that God knows what he is doing and will continue to hold me in the palm of his hand.

Several naps today and I am still exhausted. So bedtime it is. Tomorrow is a new day.