Thoughts….

There are so many thoughts in my head that I don’t even know where to begin writing them. Some I am sure are going to hurt like hell to say and some that are going to feel like a mountain has been lifted off of my chest. I had stopped blogging because people told me that I was putting too much of my life out there for the world. Even though I felt compelled to write and felt like I someone needed to hear what I had to say, I let someone tell me not to. In doing that I allowed them to make me feel less important, less worthy of being heard. I felt like my words werent good enough to be spoken. My friend Heather has also done the same for a few different reasons but basically because someone used her words against her. In talking to her the other day, I got angry that someone had taken her joy. That someone had made her feel less of a person. Those people have not walked in her shoes. They dont know what she goes thru every single day. Her blog and her social media were her venting space. HER SPACE. If they didnt like what she had to say then they dont have to read it. But how dare they take that space away from her. Space where she talks candidly about her life, making jokes, encouraging other people especially overwhelmed moms. Where she could throw something out there with the surety that someone else was going thru the same things and would know what to say and how to help her…. To have that outlet taken away from her made me angry. The angrier I got for her the more I realized that I was angry for myself. I had allowed people to do the same to me. Just because you dont like what I write….. DONT READ IT! But I do have a voice. I do have a life. I do matter. My words matter and from this day forward I will continue to write them. I will value your opinions, you have  a right to them. I will take them into consideration but I will not back down about things that are important to me or things that I feel like are crushing me.

The truth of the matter is, this is my life and no one else can live it but me. Yes I make mistakes. More than I care to admit, but I do my best to learn from them. I have always allowed other people to form my opinions of myself instead of taking the time to discover this myself. So I am a little late. Better late than never, at least that is what my mother always told me.

Over the next few days, I am going to do my best to set some new goals and actions plans to achieve those goals. I may fail miserably at every single one of those goals, however it will not be because I didnt try to achieve them.

I have been handed my fair share of struggles over the last few months. I have thought about giving up. But that is not in the cards. Satan is NOT going to win. My God is bigger than any demon in Satan’s army. Doctors can give diagnosis all day every day and they pretty much know what they are doing and can put you on the right course of treatment, however in no way, shape, fashion, or form do they have the last say in my health. My God has the last say. He is the answer. He has a plan. I dont know what it is. It is not for me to know. It is for me to learn to trust.

I will continue to put one foot in front of the other. Do a little, sit for a while. Take a nap. Take a walk. One day at a time… sometimes it seems one breath at a time. But I am still here. So for whatever Purpose God has a plan for me and I will do my best to fulfill HIS plan and not my own.

This probably sounds jumbled, but I honestly am not a “writer” i just write. I get thoughts in my head and then let my thoughts go no matter how they come out. For tonight I am going to call it a win Because for the first time in months, I had the courage to write unconditionally.  I pray that tomorrow is the same, and the days after that. I am working on me. I am learning how to cope with what has been handed to me, to trust that God knows what he is doing and will continue to hold me in the palm of his hand.

Several naps today and I am still exhausted. So bedtime it is. Tomorrow is a new day.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness will be an ongoing topic thru the next few months as I learn to do forgiveness myself. In the last few months I have realized that I can not overcome my issues alone. I start to try to work thru them and when they get too hard I shut down and give up.  For my whole life that is how I dealt with things. If life gets hard, give in and give up. Never really standing up for myself or what I believed in. I didn’t realize that I was holding on to grudges or anger, sometimes even denial. A LOT of denial.

Denial eventually became my escape. If I denied that it was happening then I didnt have to deal with it. I could pretend that everything was okay. I could pretend that there was absolutely NOTHING wrong. The problem with that is, the only thing I was truly denying was my very own serenity. I held on to things for far to long. I kept telling myself that if it wasnt okay that if I tried hard enough I could fix it. What truly needed fixing I think was my brain. I thought my heart needed fixing but only God can mend that. But he cant even begin to start the mending process until I let things go.

Letting go is not easy ya’ll. Letting go means you have to work thru it. Letting go means that you have to face the facts. It means that you just might have to admit your faults. It means it just might hurt. It might feel completely devastating and leaving you feel completely vulnerable.  But from what I hear it is so life changingly worth it.

My very first appointment with my life coach, I was told that I needed to start with forgiveness. I was given a book called Choosing Forgiveness by Nancy Leigh Demoss and 4 pages worth of questions to answer before my next appointment. Well lets just say before I see her again there will be 6 weeks of lapsed time. The first appointment cancelled because I couldnt bring myself to read the book much less answer the questions. The second appointment cancelled because she was out of town for 2 weeks, Next appointment cancelled because I wasnt ready yet. I still had not picked up the book. The next 3 weeks she is out of town again. So I dont have to pick up the book yet. I also know that if I dont pick up the book the process will NEVER begin.

I finally picked up the book today. It was quite interesting to say the least. One of the very first things that popped out at me was a statement, “We cannot expect to live at peace with God or to experience His blessing in our lives if we refuse to forgive our debtors. To do so is to choke out His grace and to allow Satan to get an advantage of us.”

I so truly want to live in peace. I hate looking over my shoulder and waiting for the shoe to drop. When I started analyzing the things that were being said in the book i started realizing that I am being eaten alive by bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness.  All of this is also eating away at my joy. It is causing me to close off my heart and  put up walls to keep the good things out. I didnt see how my inner being bears the sign of the darkened room that I have chosen to live. Yes I said it… I CHOSE TO LIVE THERE. It was easier that way. According to the book, “it’s time to pull back the drapes and move out of the darkness. Forgiveness is not a method to be learned as much as a truth to be lived.”

I have come to accept that I have only started coping with things instead of dealing with it. I have buried it, put a mask on it. I have tried to stay busy or laugh it off. But in going thru this book and having to think about it. I realize that so far this lady is spot on about me. I am not free from any of my past. This is going to be a very difficult process, I have a feeling it may get very ugly as I go thru the layers of crap that I have buried. But I know that if I dont do it, I will never truly be at peace.

So be prepared as I go on this journey, for some crazy posts that will lay out my life. Some may be written with a hurtful heart. Some may be written with anger, some with tears, but thru it all the one thing I hope to get out of all of this is healing.

 

Until next time,  D

Life is Dynamic!

Life is Dynamic is a phrase I hear all the time. I never really new what that word Dynamic meant until recently. It means that it is ever changing. My life in particular over the last couple of years has seen many changes. From being married to being divorced. From taking care of other people to learning to take care of myself. I have never really liked me so taking care of me was not thought about. It was easier to care for others than to think about what I didnt like about me and try to change it. I started a new decade in my life. Yes I turned 40 a few months ago. I remember when I turned 30. For weeks leeding up to turning 30 I cried and cried. I did not want to be 30. I felt like my life was in shambles.

On my 30th birthday my very best friend thought that it would be a good idea to rub being 30 in my face. Maybe just maybe, it would help me get past it. She wrote 30’s all over my envelope to my card, on the inside of the card and the outside. She put 30 one dollar bills in the card and made me count them out loud. She also made me a charm bracelet and guess what the charms were…. yep it was all 30’s. I just kept crying. It seemed like everything in my life was changing… and change it did.

That year was definitely a game changer. I wish I knew then what I know now. I would definitely have made some very different decisions. However those lessons learned will forever be with me. Just because someone else is doing something DOES NOT mean that I should be doing it to. Even if they just want me to try it. NOPE! Big girl panties on…. IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO!!!!

That was a big deal for me. I didnt say no to most anyone, often taking on so much more than I could handle. But doing the very best I could no matter what. I was scared that if I said no that I would hurt someone’s feelings. I never stopped to think about my feelings, mentally, physically or emotionally. It was always about someone else. That is defenitely changing.

So many things have changed since that day I turned 30. Some of them have been not so great changes, some of them have blindsided me, but most of them have been for good. In looking back at the last 10 years all the hurt, the mistakes, the grief, and the pain I am eternally grateful that life is Dynamic. Even more thankful that God has  carried me thru it.

 

Until Next time,  D

Healing

Find places of healing they say…. Healing is an important part of your journey. Healing seems to come in small moments. Or maybe that is just when i realize it. I see a picture and it doesn’t quite take my breath away anymore, or I hear a voice and it doesn’t feel like I have been sucker punched. Those are the moments I feel like maybe just maybe I am finally starting to heal. Then there are moments in the still quietness of the dark at 3am when my brain wont shut down with all the mistakes that were made and all the could have beens, the would have beens, but even more so the might have beens. It is in those moments that I have been questioning and second guessing. It is also in those moments that God shows up and shows out. I just have to listen. Sometimes it is gentle reminders. Sometimes it is a crazy loud smack me in the face to get my attention. It is realizing that I am not alone, it is realizing that someone cares about me just because I am me. It is learning to love me, It is learning to love people around me and letting them love me. I had always tried to put up a front. I always tried to take care of others. I truly didnt know how to take care of me.

I still dont know if I know how to take care of me. But I do know that I am learning. I am learning that I am not an awful person. I am learning that it is ok for me to make mistakes. It is ok to fall down as long as I get back up. It is ok to fail as long as I learn from the failure. It is ok to look in the mirror and like what I see. It is ok to look in the mirror and hate what I see as long as I enact a plan to make it better.

It is NOT okay to wallow in pity and self deat. It is NOT okay to go to bed and stay there for months. It is NOT okay to give up! It is time to FIGHT! I am fighting for the most important person in my life. ME! I am learning to fight……

Joy Journal

One of my challenges today during my devotion time was to start a joy journal. To record the blessings that Lord gives me each day this week. I am to remember to add the “SMALL” miracles as well as the “large” ones.

This challenge will require me to look for the joy in life instead of focusing on the not so great. I have a tendency to overlook the little things that bring life, while searching for the big things that I think will validate me. Wow, was that me being honest with myself? Yep. I am truly getting better at this being honest with myself stuff. It surely isnt easy but it is happening whether I like it or not.

SO…what happened today? I finished my devotion. Even though I didnt get to do it all at one time. I kept coming back until it was completed. I stepped out of my comfort zone and asked someone to pray with me to bless someone else. Because of a verse I remember in the bible that said Where two or more are gathered in  my name there I will be also. I really felt like I needed to do that and I did.

Mind you it was a little grudgingly…. but I did it.

Tonight after I study, I think I am going to take some me time and go and do some painting…… we will see.

Until Next time, D

Expectations!

Today was hard… I dont even know why. I had no motivation whatsoever this morning. NONE! I got up did what i needed to do for my lady, laid back down. It seems my bed is my comfort zone lately even though it is not comfortable at all.. I will be so happy to sleep back in my own bed one day. ( Long story, but its in storage.)

I just wanted to give up today. I dont even know why. That seems to be my line today. I dont even know why.

I started this sometime last week and if that doesnt tell you anything then I dont know what to tell you. I didnt even finish the blog. i have found myself feeling like this a lot lately. I never seem to have the motivation to finish anything. I am doing my best to change that. I have started making some lists of things that need to be accomplished. I am trying to hold myself accountable for that list. No one can make me accountable but me. I have learned that when “most” people say that they are going to be there for you, it is just lip service. When you really need them, they all of a sudden dont answer thier phone, thier email, or their door. But when they know that things have gotten better for you all of a sudden it’s “oh I am so sorry you had to go thru this. I wish I had known.” REALLY! Well you would have known if you hadnt dropped off the face of the freaking planet. But that is ok because God will always be there and he will put people in your life that mean what they say. I guess at this point in my life I am learning what it truly means to have real friends and why it is more important to have a few REAL friends than 100 friends.

I am learning to not have expectations of other people. I know what I can expect of me and that is what truly matters to me. Well that and I know that I can always depend on Christ. For that I am blessed.

If I dont expect anything from anyone then I am less likely to be the one to get hurt. I have made some very hard decisions over the past year. I am sure I have hurt some feelings, though not intentionally. I have sure burned a heck of a lot of bridges, but that is ok. I was and am 100% unapolagetic. It is okay to be scared, I am. But being scared means that I am about to do something really really brave. Like learn to love myself and take care of me.

That job in particular has always been on the back burner. I have always put others ahead of myself and most times at my expense. If I had a penny for every tear that has touched my pillows, I would never have to work a day for the rest of my life. The same could be said for the hugs that were needed but never received. But now I am learning to depend on me for what I want and need.

Standing on my own two feet. What a concept. I wish I had decided this years ago, things might have been a lot different. But I am who I am today because of all those yesterdays that I had to endure. The only thing I need to remember is that my Father holds me in the palm of his hand. I will let Him lead me.