There are so many thoughts in my head that I don’t even know where to begin writing them. Some I am sure are going to hurt like hell to say and some that are going to feel like a mountain has been lifted off of my chest. I had stopped blogging because people told me that I was putting too much of my life out there for the world. Even though I felt compelled to write and felt like I someone needed to hear what I had to say, I let someone tell me not to. In doing that I allowed them to make me feel less important, less worthy of being heard. I felt like my words werent good enough to be spoken. My friend Heather has also done the same for a few different reasons but basically because someone used her words against her. In talking to her the other day, I got angry that someone had taken her joy. That someone had made her feel less of a person. Those people have not walked in her shoes. They dont know what she goes thru every single day. Her blog and her social media were her venting space. HER SPACE. If they didnt like what she had to say then they dont have to read it. But how dare they take that space away from her. Space where she talks candidly about her life, making jokes, encouraging other people especially overwhelmed moms. Where she could throw something out there with the surety that someone else was going thru the same things and would know what to say and how to help her…. To have that outlet taken away from her made me angry. The angrier I got for her the more I realized that I was angry for myself. I had allowed people to do the same to me. Just because you dont like what I write….. DONT READ IT! But I do have a voice. I do have a life. I do matter. My words matter and from this day forward I will continue to write them. I will value your opinions, you have a right to them. I will take them into consideration but I will not back down about things that are important to me or things that I feel like are crushing me.
The truth of the matter is, this is my life and no one else can live it but me. Yes I make mistakes. More than I care to admit, but I do my best to learn from them. I have always allowed other people to form my opinions of myself instead of taking the time to discover this myself. So I am a little late. Better late than never, at least that is what my mother always told me.
Over the next few days, I am going to do my best to set some new goals and actions plans to achieve those goals. I may fail miserably at every single one of those goals, however it will not be because I didnt try to achieve them.
I have been handed my fair share of struggles over the last few months. I have thought about giving up. But that is not in the cards. Satan is NOT going to win. My God is bigger than any demon in Satan’s army. Doctors can give diagnosis all day every day and they pretty much know what they are doing and can put you on the right course of treatment, however in no way, shape, fashion, or form do they have the last say in my health. My God has the last say. He is the answer. He has a plan. I dont know what it is. It is not for me to know. It is for me to learn to trust.
I will continue to put one foot in front of the other. Do a little, sit for a while. Take a nap. Take a walk. One day at a time… sometimes it seems one breath at a time. But I am still here. So for whatever Purpose God has a plan for me and I will do my best to fulfill HIS plan and not my own.
This probably sounds jumbled, but I honestly am not a “writer” i just write. I get thoughts in my head and then let my thoughts go no matter how they come out. For tonight I am going to call it a win Because for the first time in months, I had the courage to write unconditionally. I pray that tomorrow is the same, and the days after that. I am working on me. I am learning how to cope with what has been handed to me, to trust that God knows what he is doing and will continue to hold me in the palm of his hand.
Several naps today and I am still exhausted. So bedtime it is. Tomorrow is a new day.